2 new+moon新月-第46部分

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〃Don't　promise　me　anything；〃　I　whispered。　If　I　let　myself　hope；　and　it　came　to　nothing…　that　would　kill　
me。　Where　all　those　merciless　vampires　had　not　been　able　to　finish　me　off；　hope　would　do　the　job。　

Anger　glinted　metallic　in　his　black　eyes。　〃You　think　I'm　lying　to　you　now？〃　

〃No—not　lying。〃　I　shook　my　head；　trying　to　think　it　through　coherently。　To　examine　the　hypothesis　that　
he　did　love　me；　while　staying　objective；　clinical；　so　I　wouldn't　fall　into　the　trap　of　hoping。　〃You　could　
mean　it…　now。　But　what　about　tomorrow；　when　you　think　about　all　the　reasons　you　left　in　the　first　
place？　Or　next　month；　when　Jasper　takes　a　snap　at　me？〃　

He　flinched。　

I　thought　back　over　those　last　days　of　my　life　before　he　left　me；　tried　to　see　them　through　the　filter　of　
what　he　was　telling　me　now。　From　that　perspective；　imagining　that　he'd　left　me　while　loving　me；　left　me　
for　me；　his　brooding　and　cold　silences　took　on　a　different　meaning。　〃It　isn't　as　if　you　hadn't　thought　the　
first　decision　through；　is　it？〃　I　guessed。　〃You'll　end　up　doing　what　you　think　is　right。〃　

〃I'm　not　as　strong　as　you　give　me　credit　for；〃　he　said。　〃Right　and　wrong　have　ceased　to　mean　much　to　
me；　I　was　ing　back　anyway。　Before　Rosalie　told　me　the　news；　I　was　already　past　trying　to　live　
through　one　week　at　a　time；　or　even　one　day。　I　was　fighting　to　make　it　through　a　single　hour。　It　was　only　
a　matter　of　time—and　not　much　of　it—before　I　showed　up　at　your　window　and　begged　you　to　take　me　
back。　I'd　be　happy　to　beg　now；　if　you'd　like　that。〃　

I　grimaced。　〃Be　serious；　please。〃　

〃Oh；　I　am；〃　he　insisted；　glaring　now。　〃Will　you　please　try　to　hear　what　I'm　telling　you？　Will　you　let　me　
attempt　to　explain　what　you　mean　to　me？〃　

He　waited；　studying　my　face　as　he　spoke　to　make　sure　I　was　really　listening。　

〃Before　you；　Bella；　my　life　was　like　a　moonless　night。　Very　dark；　but　there　were　stars—points　of　light　
and　reason…　And　then　you　shot　across　my　sky　like　a　meteor。　Suddenly　everything　was　on　fire；　there　
was　brilliancy；　there　was　beauty。　When　you　were　gone；　when　the　meteor　had　fallen　over　the　horizon；　
everything　went　black。　Nothing　had　changed；　but　my　eyes　were　blinded　by　the　light。　I　couldn't　see　the　
stars　anymore。　And　there　was　no　more　reason　for　anything。〃　

I　wanted　to　believe　him。　But　this　was　my　life　without　him　that　he　was　describing；　not　the　other　way　
around。　

〃Your　eyes　will　adjust；〃　I　mumbled。　

〃That's　just　the　problem—they　can't。〃　

〃What　about　your　distractions？〃　

He　laughed　without　a　trace　of　humor。　〃Just　part　of　the　lie；　love。　There　was　no　distraction　from　the…　the　
agony。　My　heart　hasn't　beat　in　almost　niy　years；　but　this　was　different。　It　was　like　my　heart　was　
gone—like　I　was　hollow。　Like　I'd　left　everything　that　was　inside　me　here　with　you。〃　

〃That's　funny；〃　I　muttered。　

He　arched　one　perfect　eyebrow。　〃Funny？　〃　

〃I　meant　strange—I　thought　it　was　just　me。　Lots　of　pieces　of　me　went　missing；　too。　I　haven't　been　able　to　
really　breathe　in　so　long。〃　I　filled　my　lungs；　luxuriating　in　the　sensation。　〃And　my　heart。　That　was　definitely　
lost。〃　

He　closed　his　eyes　and　laid　his　ear　over　my　heart　again。　I　let　my　cheek　press　against　his　hair；　felt　the　
texture　of　it　on　my　skin；　smelled　the　delicious　scent　of　him。　

〃Tracking　wasn't　a　distraction　then？〃　I　asked；　curious；　and　also　needing　to　distract　myself。　I　was　very　
much　in　danger　of　hoping。　I　wouldn't　be　able　to　stop　myself　for　long。　My　heart　throbbed；　singing　in　my　
chest。　

〃No。〃　He　sighed。　〃That　was　never　a　distraction。　It　was　an　obligation。〃　

〃What　does　that　mean？〃　

〃It　means　that；　even　though　I　never　expected　any　danger　from　Victoria；　I　wasn't　going　to　let　her　get　away　
with…　Well；　like　I　said；　I　was　horrible　at　it。　I　traced　her　as　far　as　Texas；　but　then　I　followed　a　false　lead　
down　to　Brazil—and　really　she　came　here。〃　He　groaned。　〃I　wasn't　even　on　the　right　continent！　And　all　the　
while；　worse　than　my　worst　fears—〃　

〃You　were　hunting　Victoria？〃　I　halfshrieked　as　soon　as　I　could　find　my　voice；　shooting　through　two　
octaves。　

Charlie's　distant　snores　stuttered；　and　then　picked　up　a　regular　rhythm　again。　

〃Not　well；〃　Edward　answered；　studying　my　outraged　expression　with　a　confused　look。　〃But　I'll　do　better　
this　time。　She　won't　be　tainting　perfectly　good　air　by　breathing　in　and　out　for　much　longer。〃　

〃That　is…　out　of　the　question；〃　I　managed　to　choke　out。　Insanity。　Even　if　he　had　Emmett　or　Jasper　help　
him。　Even　if　he　had　Emmett　and　Jasper　help。　It　was　worse　than　my　other　imaginings：　Jacob　Black　
standing　across　a　small　space　from　Victoria's　vicious　and　feline　figure。　I　couldn't　bear　to　picture　Edward　
there；　even　though　he　was　so　much　more　durable　than　my　halfhuman　best　friend。　

〃It's　too　late　for　her。　I　might　have　let　the　other　time　slide；　but　not　now；　not　after—〃　

I　interrupted　him　again；　trying　to　sound　calm。　〃Didn't　you　just　promise　that　you　weren't　going　to　leave？〃　I　
asked；　fighting　the　words　as　I　said　them；　nor　letting　them　plant　themselves　in　my　heart。　〃That　isn't　exactly　
patible　with　an　extended　tracking　expedition；　is　it？〃　

He　frowned。　A　snarl　began　to　build　low　in　his　chest。　〃I　will　keep　my　promise；　Bella。　But　Victoria〃—the　
snarl　became　more　pronounced—〃is　going　to　die。　Soon。〃　

〃Let's　not　be　hasty；〃　I　said；　trying　to　hide　my　panic。　〃Maybe　she's　not　ing　back。　Jake's　pack　probably　
scared　her　off。　There's　really　no　reason　to　go　looking　for　her。　Besides；　I've　got　bigger　problems　than　
Victoria。〃　

Edward's　eyes　narrowed；　but　he　nodded。　〃It's　true。　The　werewolves　are　a　problem。〃　

I　snorted。　〃I　wasn't　talking　about　Jacob。　My　problems　are　a　lot　worse　that　a　handful　of　adolescent　
wolves　getting　themselves　into　trouble。〃　

Edward　looked　as　if　he　were　about　to　say　something；　and　then　thought　better　of　it。　His　teeth　clicked　
together；　and　he　spoke　through　them。　〃Really？〃　he　asked。　〃Then　what　would　be　your　greatest　problem？　
That　would　make　Victoria's　returning　for　you　seem　like　such　an　inconsequential　matter　in　parison？〃　

〃How　about　the　second　greatest？〃　I　hedged。　

〃All　right；〃　he　agreed；　suspicious。　

I　paused。　I　wasn't　sure　I　could　say　the　name。　〃There　are　others　who　are　ing　to　look　for　me；〃　I　
reminded　him　in　a　subdued　whisper。　

He　sighed；　but　the　reaction　was　not　as　strong　as　I　would　have　imagined　after　his　response　to　Victoria。　

〃The　Volturi　are　only　the　second　greatest？〃　

〃You　don't　seem　that　upset　about　it；〃　I　noted。　

〃Well；　we　have　plenty　of　time　to　think　it　through。　Time　means　something　very　different　to　them　than　it　
does　to　you；　or　even　me。　They　count　years　the　way　you　count　days。　I　wouldn't　be　surprised　if　you　were　
thirty　before　you　crossed　their　minds　again；〃　he　added　lightly。　

Horror　washed　through　me。　

Thirty。　

So　his　promises　meant　nothing；　in　the　end。　If　I　were　going　to　turn　thirty　someday；　then　he　couldn't　be　
planning　on　staying　long。　The　harsh　pain　of　this　knowledge　made　me　realize　that　I'd　already　begun　to　
hope；　without　giving　myself　permission　to　do　5。0。　

〃You　don't　have　to　be　afraid；〃　he　said；　anxious　as　he　watched　the　tears　dew　up　again　on　the　rims　of　my　
eyes。　〃I　won't　let　them　hurt　you。〃　

〃While　you're　here。〃　Not　that　I　cared　what　happened　to　me　when　he　left。　

He　took　my　face　between　his　two　stone　hands；　holding　it　tightly　while　his　midnight　eyes　glared　into　mine　
with　the　gravitational　force　of　a　black　hole。　〃I　will　never　leave　you　again。〃　

〃But　you　said　thirty；〃　I　whispered。　The　tears　leaked　over　the　edge。　〃What？　You're　going　to　stay；　but　let　
me　get　all　old　anyway？　Right。〃　

His　eyes　softened；　while　his　mouth　went　hard。　〃That's　exactly　what　I'm　going　to　do。　What　choice　have　I？　
I　cannot　be　without　you；　but　I　will　not　destroy　your　soul。〃　

〃Is　this　really…〃　I　tried　to　keep　my　voice　even；　but　this　question　was　too　hard。　I　remembered　his　face　
when　Aro　had　almost　begged　him　to　consider　making　me　immortal。　The　sick　look　there。　Was　this　fixation　
with　keeping　me　human　really　about　my　soul；　or　was　it　because　he　wasn't　sure　that　he　wanted　me　around　
that　long？　

〃Yes？〃　he　asked；　waiting　for　my　question。　

I　asked　a　different　one。　Almost—but　not　quite—as　hard。　

〃But　what　about　when　I　get　so　old　that　people　think　I'm　your　mother？　Your　grandmother？〃　My　voice　
was　pale　with　revulsion—I　could　see　Gran's　face　again　in　the　dream　mirror。　

His　whole　face　was　soft　now。　He　brushed　the　tears　from　my　cheek　with　his　lips。　〃That　doesn't　mean　
anything　to　me；〃　he　breathed　against　my　skin。　〃You　will　always　be　the　most　beautiful　thing　in　my　world。　
Of　course…〃　He　hesitated；　flinching　slightly。　〃If　you　outgrew　me—if　you　wanted　something　more—I　
would　understand　that；　Bella。　I　promise　I　wouldn't　stand　in　your　way　if　you　wanted　to　leave　me。〃　

His　eyes　were　liquid　onyx　and　utterly　sincere。　He　spoke　as　if　he'd　put　endless　amounts　of　thought　into　this　
asinine　plan。　

〃You　do　realize　that　I'll　die　eventually；　right？〃　I　demanded。　

He'd　thought　about　this　part；　too。　〃I'll　follow　after　as　soon　as　I　can。〃　

〃That　is　seriously…〃I　looked　for　the　right　word。　〃Sick。〃　

〃Bella；　it's　the　only　right　way　left—〃　

〃Let's　just　back　up　for　a　minute；〃　I　said；　feeling　angry　made　it　so　much　easier　to　be　clear；　decisive。　〃You　
do　remember　the　Volturi；　right？　I　can't　stay　human　forever。　They'll　kill　me。　Even　if　they　don't　think　of　me　
tillI'm　thirty〃—I　hissed　the　word—〃do　you　really　think　they'll　forget？〃　

〃No；〃　he　answered　slowly；　shaking　his　head。　〃They　won't　forget。　But…〃　

〃But？〃　

He　grinned　while　I　stared　at　him　warily。　Maybe　I　wasn't　the　only　crazy　one。　

〃I　have　a　few　plans。〃　

〃And　these　plans；〃　I　said；　my　voice　getting　more　acidic　with　each　word。　〃These　plans　all　center　around　
me　staying　human。〃　

My　attitude　hardened　his　expression。　〃Naturally。〃　His　tone　was　brusque；　his　divine　face　arrogant。　

We　glowered　at　each　other　for　a　long　minute。　

Then　I　took　a　deep　breath；　squared　my　shoulders；　I　pushed　his　arms　away　so　that　I　could　sit　up。　

〃Do　you　want　me　to　leave？〃　he　asked；　and　it　made　my　heart　flutter　to　see　that　this　idea　hurt　him；　though　
he　tried　not　to　show　it。　

〃No；〃　I　told　him。　〃I'm　leaving。〃　

He　watched　me　suspiciously　as　I　climbed　out　of　the　bed　and　fumbled　around　in　the　dark　room；　looking　
for　my　shoes。　

〃May　I　ask　where　you　are　going。'〃　he　asked。　

〃I'm　going　to　your　house；〃　I　told　him；　still　feeling　around　blindly。　

He　got　up　and　came　to　my　side。　〃Here　are　your　shoes。　How　did　you　plan　to　get　there？〃　

〃My　truck。〃　

〃That　will　probably　wake　Charlie；〃　he　offered　as　a　deterrent。　

I　sighed。　〃I　know。　But　honestly；　I'll　be　grounded　for　weeks　as　it　is。　How　much　more　trouble　can　I　really　

getin？〃　

〃None。　He'll　blame　me；　not　you。〃　

〃If　you　have　a　better　idea；　I'm　all　ears。〃　

〃Stay　here；〃　he　suggested；　but　his　expression　wasn't　hopeful。　

〃No　dice。　But　you　go　ahead　and　make　yourself　at　home；〃　I　encouraged；　surprised　at　how　natural　my　
teasing　sounded；　and　headed　for　the　door。　

He　was　there　before　me；　blocking　my　way。　

I　frowned；　and　turned　for　the　window。　It　wasn't　really　that　far　to　the　ground；　and　it　was　mostly　grass　
beneath…　

〃Okay；〃　he　sighed。　〃I'll　give　you　a　ride。〃　

I　shrugged。　〃Either　way。　But　you　probably　should　be　there；　too。〃　

〃And　why　is　that？〃　

〃Because　you're　extraordinarily　opinionated；　and　I'm　sure　you'll　want　a　chance　to　air　your　views。〃　

〃My　views　on　which　subject？〃　He　asked　through　his　teeth。　

〃This　isn't　just　about　you　anymore。　You're　not　the　center　of　the　universe；　you　know。〃　My　own　personal　
universe　was；　of　course；　a　different　story。　〃If　you're　going　to　bring　the　Volturi　down　on　us　over　something　
as　stupid　as　leaving　me　human；　then　your　family　ought　to　have　a　say。〃　

〃A　say　in　what？〃　he　asked；　each　word　distinct。　

〃My　mortality。　I'm　putting　it　to　a　vote。〃　

24。　VOTE　




HE　WAS　NOT　PLEASED；　THAT　MUCH　WAS　EASY　TO　READ　in　his　face。　But；　without　further　
argument；　he　took　me　in　his　arms　and　sprang　lithely　from　my　window；　landing　without　the　slightest　jolt；　
like　a　cat。　It　was　a　little　bit　farther　down　than　I'd　imagined。　

〃All　right　then；〃　he　said；　his　voice　seething　with　disapproval。　〃Up　you　go。〃　

He　helped　me　onto　his　back；　and　took　off　running。　Even　after　all　this　time；　it　felt　routine。　Easy。　Evidently　
this　was　something　you　never　forgot；　like　riding　a　bicycle。　

It　was　so　very　quiet　and　dark　as　he　ran　through　the　forest；　his　breathing　slow　and　even—dark　enough　
that　the　trees　flying　past　us　were　nearly　invisible；　and　only　the　rush　of　air　in　my　face　truly　gave　away　our　
speed。　The　air　was　damp；　it　didn't　burn　my　eyes　the　way　the　wind　in　the　big　plaza　had；　and　that　was　
forting。　As　was　the　night；　too；　after　that　terrifying　brightness。　Like　the　thick　quilt　I'd　played　under　as　a　
child；　the　dark　felt　familiar　and　protecting。　

I　remembered　that　running　through　the　forest　like　this　used　to　frighten　me；　that　I　used　to　have　to　close　my　

eyes。　It　seemed　a　silly　reaction　to　me　now。　I　kept　my　eyes　wide；　my　chin　resting　on　his　shoulder；　my　
cheek　against　his　neck。　The　speed　was　exhilarating。　A　hundred　times　better　than　the　motorcycle。　

I　turned　my　face　toward　him　and　pressed　my　lips　into　the　cold　stone　skin　of　his　neck。　

〃Thank　you；〃　he　said；　as　the　vague；　black　shapes　of　trees　raced　past　us。　〃Does　that　mean　you've　decided　
you're　awake？〃　

I　laughed。　The　sound　was　easy；　natural；　effortless。　It　sounded　right。　〃Not　really。　More　that；　either　way；　
I'm　not　trying　to　wake　up。　Not　tonight。〃　

〃I'll　earn　your　trust　back　somehow；〃　he　murmured；　mostly　to　himself。　〃If　it's　my　final　act。〃　

〃I　trust　you；〃　I　assured　him。　〃It's　me　I　don't　trust。〃　

〃Explain　that；　please。〃　

He'd　slowed　to　a　walk—I　could　only　tell　because　the　wind　ceased—and　I　guessed　that　we　weren't　far　
from　the　house。　In　fact；　I　thought　I　could　make　out　the　sound　of　the　river　rushing　somewhere　close　by　in　
the　darkness。　

〃Well—〃　I　struggled　to　find　the　right　way　to　phrase　it。　〃I　don't　trust　myself　to　be…　enough。　To　deserve　
you。　There's　nothing　about　me　that　could　hold　you。〃　

He　stopped　and　reached　around　to　pull　me　from　his　back。　His　gentle　hands　did　not　release　me；　after　he'd　
set　me　on　my　feet　again；　he　wrapped　his　arms　tightly　around　me；　hugging　me　to　his　chest。　

〃Your　hold　is　permanent　and　unbreakable；〃　he　whispered。　〃Never　doubt　that。〃　

But　how　could　I　not？　

〃You　never　did　tell　me…〃　he　murmured。　

〃What？〃　

〃What　your　greatest　problem　is。〃　

〃I'll　give　you　one　guess。〃　I　sighed；　and　reached　up　to　touch　the　tip　of　his　nose　with　my　index　finger。　

He　nodded。　〃I'm　worse　than　the　Volturi；〃　he　said　grimly。　〃I　guess　I've　earned　that。〃　

I　rolled　my　eyes。　〃The　worst　the　Volturi　can　do　is　kill　me。〃　

He　waited　with　tense　eyes。　

〃You　can　leave　me；〃　I　explained。　〃The　Volturi；　Victoria…　they're　nothing　pared　to　that。〃　

Even　in　the　darkness；　I　could　see　the　anguish　twist　his　face—it　reminded　me　of　his　expression　under　
Jane's　torturing　gaze；　I　felt　sick；　and　regretted　speaking　the　truth。　

〃Don't；〃　I　whispered；　touching　his　face。　〃Don't　be　sad。〃　

He　pulled　one　corner　of　his　mouth　up　halfheartedly；　but　the　expression　didn't　touch　his　eyes。　〃If　there　was　
only　some　way　to　make　you　see　that　I　can't　leave　you；〃　he　whispered。　〃Time；　I　suppose；　will　be