5 midnight sun午夜阳光-第17部分

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her　humans？　I　shouldn　t　get　my　hopes　up。　Okay；　it　s　all　taken　care　of。　You　feel　better；　Bella。　Do　you　need　to　be　excused；　Bella　nodded　weakly　overacting　a　bit。　Can　you　walk；　or　do　you　want　me　to　carry　you　again？　I　asked；　amused　by　her　poor　theatrics。　I　knew　she　would　want　to　walk　she　wouldn　t　want　to　be　weak。　I　ll　walk；　she　said。　Right　again。　I　was　getting　better　at　this。　I　held　the　door　She　got　up；　hesitating　for　a　moment　as　if　to　check　her　balance。　for　her；　and　we　walked　out　into　the　rain。　I　watched　her　as　she　lifted　her　face　to　the　light　rain　with　her　eyes　closed；　a　slight　smile　on　her　lips。　What　was　she　thinking？　Something　about　this　action　seemed　off；　and　I

quickly　realized　why　the　posture　looked　unfamiliar　to　me。　Normal　human　girls　wouldn　t　raise　their　faces　to　the　drizzle　that　way；　normal　human　girls　usually　wore　makeup；　even　here　in　this　wet　place。　Bella　never　wore　makeup；　nor　should　she。　The　cosmetics　industry　made　billions　of　dollars　a　year　from　women　who　were　trying　to　attain　skin　like　hers。　Thanks；　she　said；　smiling　at　me　now。　It　s　worth　getting　sick　to　miss　Gym。　I　stared　across　the　campus；　wondering　how　to　prolong　my　time　with　her。　Anytime；　I　said。　So　are　you　going？　This　Saturday；　I　mean？　She　sounded　hopeful。　Ah；　her　hope　was　soothing。　She　wanted　me　with　her；　not　Mike　Newton。　And　I　wanted　to　say　yes。　But　there　were　many　things　to　consider。　For　one；　the　sun　would　be　shining　this　Saturday　Where　are　you　all　going；　exactly？　I　tried　to　keep　my　voice　nonchalant；　as　if　it　didn　t　matter　much。　Mike　had　said　beach；　though。　Not　much　chance　of　avoiding　sunlight　there。　Down　to　La　Push；　to　First　Beach。　Damn。　Well；　it　was　impossible；　then。　Anyway；　Emmett　would　be　irritated　if　I　cancelled　our　plans。　I　glanced　down　at　her；　smiling　wryly。　She　sighed；　already　resigned。　I　really　don　t　think　I　was　invited。　I　just　invited　you。　Let　s　you　and　I　not　push　poor　Mike　any　further　this　week。　We　don　t　want　him　to　snap。　I　thought　about　snapping　poor　Mike　myself；　and　enjoyed　the　mental　picture　intensely。　Mikeschmike；　she　said；　dismissive　again。　And　then　she　started　to　walk　away　from　me。　Without　thinking　about　my　action；　I　reached　out　and　caught　her　by　the　back　of　her　rain　jacket。　She　jerked　to　a　stop。　Where　do　you　think　you　re　going？　I　was　almost　angry　that　she　was　leaving　me。　hadn　t　had　enough　time　with　her。　She　couldn　t　go；　not　yet。　I　m　going　home；　she　said；　baffled　as　to　why　this　should　upset　me。　Didn　t　you　hear　me　promise　to　take　you　safely　home？　Do　you　think　I　m　going　to　let　you　drive　in　your　condition？　I　knew　she　wouldn　t　like　that　my　implication　of　weakness　on　her　part。　But　I　needed　to　practice　for　the　Seattle　trip；　anyway。　See　if　I　could　handle　her　proximity　in　an　enclosed　space。　This　was　a　much　shorter　journey。　What　condition？　she　demanded。　And　what　about　my　truck？　I　pulled　her　back　to　my　car　I　I　smiled　widely。　I　ll　have　Alice　drop　it　off　after　school。

carefully；　as　I　now　knew　that　walking　forward　was　challenging　enough　for　her。　Let　go！　she　said；　twisting　sideways　and　nearly　tripping。　I　held　one　hand　out　to　catch　her；　but　she　righted　herself　before　it　was　necessary。　I　shouldn　t　be　looking　for　excuses　to　touch　her。　That　started　me　thinking　about　Ms。　Cope　s　reaction　to　me；　but　I　filed　it　away　for　later。　There　was　much　to　be　considered　on　that　front。　I　let　her　go　beside　the　car；　and　she　stumbled　into　the　door。　even　more　careful；　to　take　into　account　her　poor　balance　You　are　so　pushy！　It　s　open。　I　got　in　on　my　side　and　started　the　car。　She　held　her　body　rigidly；　still　outside；　though　the　rain　had　picked　up　and　I　knew　she　didn　t　like　the　cold　and　wet。　Water　was　soaking　through　her　thick　hair；　darkening　it　to　near　black。　I　am　perfectly　capable　of　driving　myself　home！　Of　course　she　was　I　just　wasn　t　capable　of　letting　her　go。　I　rolled　her　window　down　and　leaned　toward　her。　Get　in；　Bella。　Her　eyes　narrowed；　and　I　guessed　that　she　was　debating　whether　or　not　to　make　a　run　for　it。　I　ll　just　drag　you　back；　I　promised；　enjoying　the　chagrin　on　her　face　when　she　realized　I　meant　it。　Her　chin　stiffly　in　the　air；　she　opened　her　door　and　climbed　in。　on　the　leather　and　her　boots　squeaked　against　each　other。　This　is　pletely　unnecessary；　she　said　coldly。　embarrassed　under　the　pique。　Her　hair　dripped　I　would　have　to　be　I　thought　she　looked　I　just　turned　up　the　heater　so　she　wouldn　t　be　unfortable；　and　set　the　music　to　a　nice　background　level。　I　drove　out　toward　the　exit；　watching　her　from　the　corner　of　my　eye。　Her　lower　lip　was　jutting　out　stubbornly。　I　stared　at　this；　examining　how　it　made　me　feel　thinking　of　the　secretary　s　reaction　again　Suddenly　she　looked　at　the　stereo　and　smiled；　her　eyes　widening。　she　asked。　A　fan　of　the　classics？　You　know　Debussy？　Clair　de　Lune？　Not　well；　she　said。　My　mother　plays　a　lot　of　classical　music　around　the　house　I　only　know　my　favorites。　It　s　one　of　my　favorites；　too。　I　stared　at　the　rain；　considering　that。　I　actually　had　something　in　mon　with　the　girl。　I　d　begun　to　think　that　we　were　opposites　in　every　way。　She　seemed　more　relaxed　now；　staring　at　the　rain　like　me；　with　unseeing　eyes。　used　her　momentary　distraction　to　experiment　with　breathing。　I　inhaled　carefully　through　my　nose。　I

Potent。　I　clutched　the　steering　wheel　tighter。　The　rain　made　her　smell　better。　I　wouldn　t　have　thought　that　was　possible。　Stupidly；　I　was　suddenly　imaging　how　she　would　taste。　I　tried　to　swallow　against　the　burn　in　my　throat；　to　think　of　something　else。　What　is　your　mother　like？　I　asked　as　a　distraction。　Bella　smiled。　She　looks　a　lot　like　me；　but　she　s　prettier。　I　doubted　that。　I　have　too　much　Charlie　in　me；　she　went　on。　and　braver。　I　doubted　that；　too。　She　s　irresponsible　and　slightly　eccentric；　and　she　s　a　very　unpredictable　cook。　She　s　my　best　friend。　Her　voice　had　turned　melancholy；　her　forehead　creased。　Again；　she　sounded　more　like　parent　than　child。　I　stopped　in　front　of　her　house；　wondering　too　late　if　I　was　supposed　to　know　where　she　lived。　No；　this　wouldn　t　be　suspicious　in　such　a　small　town；　with　her　father　a　public　figure　How　old　are　you；　Bella？　She　must　be　older　than　her　peers。　Perhaps　she　d　been　late　to　start　school；　or　been　held　back　that　wasn　t　likely；　though。　I　m　seventeen；　she　answered。　You　don　t　seem　seventeen。　She　laughed。　What？　My　mom　always　says　I　was　born　thirtyfive　years　old　and　that　I　get　more　middleaged　every　year。　She　laughed　again；　and　then　sighed。　Well；　someone　has　to　be　the　adult。　This　clarified　things　for　me。　I　could　see　it　now　how　the　irresponsible　mother　helped　explain　Bella　s　maturity。　She　d　had　to　grow　up　early；　to　bee　the　caretaker。　That　s　why　she　didn　t　like　being　cared　for　she　felt　it　was　her　job。　You　don　t　seem　much　like　a　junior　in　high　school　yourself；　she　said；　pulling　me　from　my　reverie。　I　grimaced。　For　everything　I　perceived　about　her；　she　perceived　too　much　in　return。　I　changed　the　subject。　So　why　did　your　mother　marry　Phil？　She　hesitated　a　minute　before　answering。　My　mother　she　s　very　young　for　her　age。　She　s　more　outgoing　than　I　am；

I　think　Phil　makes　her　feel　even　younger。　She　shook　her　head　indulgently。　Do　you　approve？　I　wondered。　Does　it　matter？　she　asked。　At　any　rate；　she　s　crazy　about　him。　I　want　her　to　be　happy　and　he　is　who　she　wants。　The　unselfishness　of　her　ment　would　have　shocked　me；　except　that　it　fit　in　all　too　well　with　what　I　d　learned　of　her　character。　That　s　very　generous　I　wonder。　What？　Would　she　extend　the　same　courtesy　to　you；　do　you　think？　choice　was？　No　matter　who　your　It　was　a　foolish　question；　and　I　could　not　keep　my　voice　casual　while　I　asked　it。　How　stupid　to　even　consider　someone　approving　of　me　for　their　daughter。　stupid　to　even　think　of　Bella　choosing　me。　II　think　so；　she　stuttered；　reacting　in　some　way　to　my　gaze。　attraction？　But　she　s　the　parent；　after　all。　I　smiled　wryly。　Fear　or　How　It　s　a　little　bit　different；　she　finished。　No　one　too　scary　then。　Multiple　facial　piercings　and　She　grinned　at　me。　What　do　you　mean　by　scary？　extensive　tattoos？　That　s　one　definition；　I　suppose。　What　s　your　definition？　A　very　nonthreatening　definition；　to　my　mind。　She　always　asked　the　wrong　questions。　Or　exactly　the　right　questions；　maybe。　ones　I　didn　t　want　to　answer；　at　any　rate。　Do　you　think　that　I　could　be　scary？　I　asked　her；　trying　to　smile　a　little。　She　thought　it　through　before　answering　me　in　a　serious　voice。　could　be；　if　you　wanted　to。　I　was　serious；　too。　Are　you　frightened　of　me　now？　No。　The　Hmm　I　think　you　She　answered　at　once；　not　thinking　this　one　through。　I　smiled　more　easily。　I　did　not　think　she　was　entirely　telling　the　truth；　but　nor　was　she　truly　lying。　She　wasn　t　frightened　enough　to　want　to　leave；　at　least。　I　wondered　how　she　would　feel　if　I　told　her　she　was　having　this　discussion　with　a　vampire。　I　cringed　internally　at　her　imagined　reaction。　So；　now　are　you　going　to　tell　me　about　your　family？　interesting　story　than　mine。　A　more　frightening　one；　at　least。　It　s　got　to　be　a　much　more

What　do　you　want　to　know？　I　asked　cautiously。　The　Cullens　adopted　you？　Yes。　She　hesitated；　then　spoke　in　a　small　voice。　What　happened　to　your　parents？　They　died　a　very　long　This　wasn　t　so　hard；　I　wasn　t　even　having　to　lie　to　her。　time　ago。　I　m　sorry；　she　mumbled；　clearly　worried　about　having　hurt　me。　She　was　worried　about　me。　I　don　t　really　remember　them　that　clearly；　I　assured　her。　have　been　my　parents　for　a　long　time　now。　And　you　love　them；　she　deduced。　I　smiled。　Yes。　I　couldn　t　imagine　two　better　people。　Carlisle　and　Esme　You　re　very　lucky。　I　know　I　am。　be　denied。　In　that　one　circumstance；　the　matter　of　parents；　my　luck　could　not　And　your　brother　and　sisters？　If　I　let　her　push　for　too　many　details；　I　would　have　to　lie。　clock；　disheartened　that　my　time　with　her　was　up。　I　glanced　at　the　My　brother　and　sister；　and　Jasper　and　Rosalie　for　that　matter；　are　going　to　be　quite　upset　if　they　have　to　stand　in　the　rain　waiting　for　me。　Oh；　sorry；　I　guess　you　have　to　go。　She　didn　t　move。　very　much。　She　didn　t　want　our　time　to　be　up；　either。　I　liked　that　very；　And　you　probably　want　your　truck　back　before　Chief　Swan　gets　home；　so　you　don　t　have　to　tell　him　about　the　Biology　incident。　I　grinned　at　the　memory　of　her　embarrassment　in　my　arms。　I　m　sure　he　s　already　heard。　There　are　no　secrets　in　Forks。　of　the　town　with　distinct　distaste。　She　said　the　name　I　laughed　at　her　words。　No　secrets；　indeed。　Have　fun　at　the　beach。　I　glanced　at　the　pouring　rain；　knowing　it　would　not　last；　and　wishing　more　strongly　than　usual　that　it　could。　Good　weather　for　sunbathing。　Well；　it　would　be　by　Saturday。　She　would　enjoy　that。　Won　t　I　see　you　tomorrow？　The　worry　in　her　tone　pleased　me。

No。　Emmett　and　I　are　starting　the　weekend　early。　I　was　mad　at　myself　now　for　having　made　the　plans。　I　could　break　them　but　there　was　no　such　thing　as　too　much　hunting　at　this　point；　and　my　family　was　going　to　be　concerned　enough　about　my　behavior　without　me　revealing　how　obsessive　I　was　turning。　What　are　you　going　to　do？　she　asked；　not　sounded　happy　with　my　revelation。　Good。　We　re　going　to　be　hiking　in　the　Goat　Rocks　Wilderness；　just　south　of　Rainier。　Emmett　was　eager　for　bear　season。　Oh；　well；　have　fun；　she　said　halfheartedly。　again。　Her　lack　of　enthusiasm　pleased　me　As　I　stared　at　her；　I　began　to　feel　almost　agonized　at　the　thought　of　saying　even　a　temporary　goodbye。　She　was　just　so　soft　and　vulnerable。　It　seemed　foolhardy　to　let　her　out　of　my　sight；　where　anything　could　happen　to　her。　And　yet；　the　worst　things　that　could　happen　to　her　would　result　from　being　with　me。　Will　you　do　something　for　me　this　weekend？　I　asked　seriously。　She　nodded；　her　eyes　wide　and　bewildered　by　my　intensity。　Keep　it　light。　Don　t　be　offended；　but　you　seem　to　be　one　of　those　people　who　just　attract　accidents　like　a　mag。　So　try　not　to　fall　into　the　ocean　or　get　run　over　or　anything；　all　right？　I　smiled　ruefully　at　her；　hoping　she　couldn　t　see　the　sadness　in　my　eyes。　How　much　I　wished　that　she　wasn　t　so　much　better　off　away　from　me；　no　matter　what　might　happen　to　her　there。　Run；　Bella；　run。　I　love　you　too　much；　for　your　good　or　mine。　She　was　offended　by　my　teasing。　She　glared　at　me。　I　ll　see　what　I　can　do；　she　snapped；　jumping　out　into　the　rain　and　slamming　the　door　as　hard　as　she　could　behind　her。　Just　like　an　angry　kitten　that　believes　it　s　a　tiger。　I　curled　my　hand　around　the　key　I　d　just　picked　from　her　jacket　pocket；　and　smiled　as　I　drove　away。

7。　Melody　That　was　I　had　to　wait　when　I　got　back　to　school。　The　final　hour　wasn　t　out　yet。　good；　because　I　had　things　to　think　about　and　I　needed　the　alone　time。　Her　scent　lingered　in　the　car。　I　kept　the　windows　up；　letting　it　assault　me；　trying　to　get　used　to　the　feel　of　intentionally　torching　my　throat。　Attraction。　It　was　a　problematic　thing　to　contemplate。　So　many　sides　to　it；　so　many　different　meanings　and　levels。　Not　the　same　thing　as　love；　but　tied　up　in　it　inextricably。　I　had　no　idea　if　Bella　was　attracted　to　me。　（Would　her　mental　silence　somehow　continue　to　get　more　and　more　frustrating　until　I　went　mad？　Or　was　there　a　limit　that　I　would　eventually　reach？）　I　tried　to　pare　her　physical　responses　to　others；　like　the　secretary　and　Jessica　Stanley；　but　the　parison　was　inconclusive。　The　same　markers　changes　in　heart　rate　and　breathing　patterns　could　just　as　easily　mean　fear　or　shock　or　anxiety　as　they　did　interest。　It　seemed　unlikely　that　Bella　could　be　entertaining　the　same　kinds　of　thoughts　that　Jessica　Stanley　used　to　have。　After　all；　Bella　knew　very　well　that　there　was　something　wrong　with　me；　even　if　she　didn　t　know　what　exactly　it　was。　She　had　touched　my　icy　skin；　and　then　yanked　her　hand　away　from　the　chill。　And　yet　as　I　remembered　those　fantasies　that　used　to　repulse　me；　but　remembered　them　with　Bella　in　Jessica　s　place　I　was　breathing　more　quickly；　the　fire　clawing　up　and　down　my　throat。　What　if　it　had　been　Bella　imagining　me　with　my　arms　wrapped　around　her　fragile　body？　Feeling　me　pull　her　tightly　against　my　chest　and　then　cupping　my　hand　under　her　chin？　Brushing　the　heavy　curtain　of　her　hair　back　from　her　blushing　face？　Tracing　the　shape　of　her　full　lips　with　my　fingertips？　Leaning　my　face　closer　to

hers；　where　I　could　feel　the　heat　of　her　breath　on　my　mouth？　Moving　closer　still　But　then　I　flinched　away　from　the　daydream；　knowing；　as　I　had　known　when　Jessica　had　imagined　these　things；　what　would　happen　if　I　got　that　close　to　her。　Attraction　was　an　impossible　dilemma；　because　I　was　already　too　attracted　to　Bella　in　the　worst　way。　Did　I　want　Bella　to　be　attracted　to　me；　a　woman　to　a　man？　That　was　the　wrong　question。　The　right　question　was　should　I　want　Bella　to　be　attracted　to　me　that　way；　and　that　answer　was　no。　Because　I　was　not　a　human　man；　and　that　wasn　t　fair　to　her。　With　every　in　my　arms　fantasies；　glowing　in　fiber　of　my　being；　I　ached　to　be　a　normal　man；　so　that　I　could　hold　her　without　risking　her　life。　So　that　I　could　be　free　to　spin　my　own　fantasies　that　didn　t　end　in　with　her　blood　on　my　hands；　her　blood　my　eyes。　What　kind　of　relationship　could　I　offer　her；　My　pursuit　of　her　was　indefensible。　when　I　couldn　t　risk　touching　her？　I　hung　my　head　in　my　hands。　It　was　all　the　more　confusing　because　I　had　never　felt　so　human　in　my　whole　life　not　even　when　I　was　human；　as　far　as　I　could　recall。　When　I　had　been　human；　my　thoughts　had　all　been　turned　to　a　soldier　s　glory。　The　Great　War　had　raged　through　most　of　my　adolescence；　and　I　d　been　only　nine　months　away　from　my　eighteenth　birthday　when　the　influenza　had　struck