1 twilight暮色-第14部分

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Sometimes　the　relief　was　tainted　by　despair；　like　my　decision　to　e　to　
Forks。　But　it　was　still　better　than　wrestling　with　the　alternatives。　

This　decision　was　ridiculously　easy　to　live　with。　Dangerously　easy。　

And　so　the　day　was　quiet；　productive　—　I　finished　my　paper　before　eight。　
Charlie　came　home　with　a　large　catch；　and　I　made　a　mental　note　to　pick　up　
a　book　of　recipes　for　fish　while　I　was　in　Seattle　next　week。　The　chills　
that　flashed　up　my　spine　whenever　I　thought　of　that　trip　were　no　
different　than　the　ones　I'd　felt　before　I'd　taken　my　walk　with　Jacob　
Black。　They　should　be　different；　I　thought。　I　should　be　afraid　—　I　knew　I　
should　be；　but　I　couldn't　feel　the　right　kind　of　fear。　

I　slept　dreamlessly　that　night；　exhausted　from　beginning　my　day　so　early；　
and　sleeping　so　poorly　the　night　before。　I　woke；　for　the　second　time　
since　arriving　in　Forks；　to　the　bright　yellow　light　of　a　sunny　day。　I　
skipped　to　the　window；　stunned　to　see　that　there　was　hardly　a　cloud　in　
the　sky；　and　those　there　were　just　fleecy　little　white　puffs　that　
couldn't　possibly　be　carrying　any　rain。　I　opened　the　window　—　surprised　
when　it　opened　silently；　without　sticking；　not　having　opened　it　in　who　
knows　how　many　years　—　and　sucked　in　the　relatively　dry　air。　It　was　
nearly　warm　and　hardly　windy　at　all。　My　blood　was　electric　in　my　veins。　

Charlie　was　finishing　breakfast　when　I　came　downstairs；　and　he　picked　up　
on　my　mood　immediately。　

〃Nice　day　out；〃　he　mented。　

〃Yes；〃　I　agreed　with　a　grin。　

He　smiled　back；　his　brown　eyes　crinkling　around　the　edges。　When　Charlie　
smiled；　it　was　easier　to　see　why　he　and　my　mother　had　jumped　too　quickly　
into　an　early　marriage。　Most　of　the　young　romantic　he'd　been　in　those　
days　had　faded　before　I'd　known　him；　as　the　curly　brown　hair　—　the　same　
color；　if　not　the　same　texture；　as　mine　—　had　dwindled；　slowly　revealing　
more　and　more　of　the　shiny　skin　of　his　forehead。　But　when　he　smiled　I　
could　see　a　little　of　the　man　who　had　run　away　with　Renée　when　she　was　
just　two　years　older　than　I　was　now。　

I　ate　breakfast　cheerily；　watching　the　dust　moats　stirring　in　the　
sunlight　that　streamed　in　the　back　window。　Charlie　called　out　a　goodbye；　
and　I　heard　the　cruiser　pull　away　from　the　house。　I　hesitated　on　my　way　
out　the　door；　hand　on　my　rain　jacket。　It　would　be　tempting　fate　to　leave　
it　home。　With　a　sigh；　I　folded　it　over　my　arm　and　stepped　out　into　the　
brightest　light　I'd　seen　in　months。　

By　dint　of　much　elbow　grease；　I　was　able　to　get　both　windows　in　the　truck　
almost　pletely　rolled　down。　I　was　one　of　the　first　ones　to　school；　I　
hadn't　even　checked　the　clock　in　my　hurry　to　get　outside。　I　parked　and　
headed　toward　the　seldomused　piic　benches　on　the　south　side　of　the　
cafeteria。　The　benches　were　still　a　little　damp；　so　I　sat　on　my　jacket；　
glad　to　have　a　use　for　it。　My　homework　was　done　—　the　product　of　a　slow　
social　life　—　but　there　were　a　few　Trig　problems　I　wasn't　sure　I　had　
right。　I　took　out　my　book　industriously；　but　halfway　through　rechecking　
the　first　problem　I　was　daydreaming；　watching　the　sunlight　play　on　the　
redbarked　trees。　I　sketched　inattentively　along　the　margins　of　my　
homework。　After　a　few　minutes；　I　suddenly　realized　I'd　drawn　five　pairs　
of　dark　eyes　staring　out　of　the　page　at　me。　I　scrubbed　them　out　with　the　
eraser。　

〃Bella！〃　I　heard　someone　call；　and　it　sounded　like　Mike。　

I　looked　around　to　realize　that　the　school　had　bee　populated　while　I'd　
been　sitting　there；　absentminded。　Everyone　was　in　tshirts；　some　even　in　
shorts　though　the　temperature　couldn't　be　over　sixty。　Mike　was　ing　
toward　me　in　khaki　shorts　and　a　striped　Rugby　shirt；　waving。　

〃Hey；　Mike；〃　I　called；　waving　back；　unable　to　be　halfhearted　on　a　morning　
like　this。　

He　came　to　sit　by　me；　the　tidy　spikes　of　his　hair　shining　golden　in　the　
light；　his　grin　stretching　across　his　face。　He　was　so　delighted　to　see　
me；　I　couldn't　help　but　feel　gratified。　

〃I　never　noticed　before　—　your　hair　has　red　in　it；〃　he　mented；　
catching　between　his　fingers　a　strand　that　was　fluttering　in　the　light　
breeze。　

〃Only　in　the　sun。〃　

I　became　just　a　little　unfortable　as　he　tucked　the　lock　behind　my　ear。　

〃Great　day；　isn't　it？〃　

〃My　kind　of　day；〃　I　agreed。　

〃What　did　you　do　yesterday？〃　His　tone　was　just　a　bit　too　proprietary。　

〃I　mostly　worked　on　my　essay。〃　I　didn't　add　that　I　was　finished　with　it　—　
no　need　to　sound　smug。　

He　hit　his　forehead　with　the　heel　of　his　hand。　〃Oh　yeah　—　that's　due　
Thursday；　right？〃　

〃Um；　Wednesday；　I　think。〃　

〃Wednesday？〃　He　frowned。　〃That's　not　good…　What　are　you　writing　yours　on？〃　

〃Whether　Shakespeare's　treatment　of　the　female　characters　is　
misogynistic。〃　

He　stared　at　me　like　I'd　just　spoken　in　pig　Latin。　

〃I　guess　I'll　have　to　get　to　work　on　that　tonight；〃　he　said；　deflated。　〃I　
was　going　to　ask　if　you　wanted　to　go　out。〃　

〃Oh。〃　I　was　taken　off　guard。　Why　couldn't　I　ever　have　a　pleasant　
conversation　with　Mike　anymore　without　it　getting　awkward？　

〃Well；　we　could　go　to　dinner　or　something…　and　I　could　work　on　it　later。〃　
He　smiled　at　me　hopefully。　

〃Mike…〃　I　hated　being　put　on　the　spot。　〃I　don't　think　that　would　be　the　
best　idea。〃　

His　face　fell。　〃Why？〃　he　asked；　his　eyes　guarded。　My　thoughts　flickered　
to　Edward；　wondering　if　that's　where　his　thoughts　were　as　well。　

〃I　think…　and　if　you　ever　repeat　what　I'm　saying　right　now　I　will　
cheerfully　beat　you　to　death；〃　I　threatened；　〃but　I　think　that　would　hurt　
Jessica's　feelings。〃　

He　was　bewildered；　obviously　not　thinking　in　that　direction　at　all。　
〃Jessica？〃　

〃Really；　Mike；　are　you　blind？〃　

〃Oh；〃　he　exhaled　—　clearly　dazed。　I　took　advantage　of　that　to　make　my　
escape。　

〃It's　time　for　class；　and　I　can't　be　late　again。〃　I　gathered　my　books　up　
and　stuffed　them　in　my　bag。　

We　walked　in　silence　to　building　three；　and　his　expression　was　

distracted。　I　hoped　whatever　thoughts　he　was　immersed　in　were　leading　him　
in　the　right　direction。　

When　I　saw　Jessica　in　Trig；　she　was　bubbling　with　enthusiasm。　She；　
Angela；　and　Lauren　were　going　to　Port　Angeles　tonight　to　go　dress　
shopping　for　the　dance；　and　she　wanted　me　to　e；　too；　even　though　I　
didn't　need　one。　I　was　indecisive。　It　would　be　nice　to　get　out　of　town　
with　some　girlfriends；　but　Lauren　would　be　there。　And　who　knew　what　I　
could　be　doing　tonight…　But　that　was　definitely　the　wrong　path　to　let　my　
mind　wander　down。　Of　course　I　was　happy　about　the　sunlight。　But　that　
wasn't　pletely　responsible　for　the　euphoric　mood　I　was　in；　not　even　
close。　

So　I　gave　her　a　maybe；　telling　her　I'd　have　to　talk　with　Charlie　first。　

She　talked　of　nothing　but　the　dance　on　the　way　to　Spanish；　continuing　as　
if　without　an　interruption　when　class　finally　ended；　five　minutes　late；　
and　we　were　on　our　way　to　lunch。　I　was　far　too　lost　in　my　own　frenzy　of　
anticipation　to　notice　much　of　what　she　said。　I　was　painfully　eager　to　
see　not　just　him　but　all　the　Cullens　—　to　pare　them　with　the　new　
suspicions　that　plagued　my　mind。　As　I　crossed　the　threshold　of　the　
cafeteria；　I　felt　the　first　true　tingle　of　fear　slither　down　my　spine　and　
settle　in　my　stomach。　Would　they　be　able　to　know　what　I　was　thinking？　And　
then　a　different　feeling　jolted　through　me　—　would　Edward　be　waiting　to　
sit　with　me　again？　

As　was　my　routine；　I　glanced　first　toward　the　Cullens'　table。　A　shiver　of　
panic　trembled　in　my　stomach　as　I　realized　it　was　empty。　With　dwindling　
hope；　my　eyes　scoured　the　rest　of　the　cafeteria；　hoping　to　find　him　
alone；　waiting　for　me。　The　place　was　nearly　filled　—　Spanish　had　made　us　
late　—　but　there　was　no　sign　of　Edward　or　any　of　his　family。　Desolation　
hit　me　with　crippling　strength。　

I　shambled　along　behind　Jessica；　not　bothering　to　pretend　to　listen　
anymore。　

We　were　late　enough　that　everyone　was　already　at　our　table。　I　avoided　the　
empty　chair　next　to　Mike　in　favor　of　one　by　Angela。　I　vaguely　noticed　
that　Mike　held　the　chair　out　politely　for　Jessica；　and　that　her　face　lit　
up　in　response。　

Angela　asked　a　few　quiet　questions　about　the　Macbeth　paper；　which　I　
answered　as　naturally　as　I　could　while　spiraling　downward　in　misery。　She；　
too；　invited　me　to　go　with　them　tonight；　and　I　agreed　now；　grasping　at　
anything　to　distract　myself。　

I　realized　I'd　been　holding　on　to　a　last　shred　of　hope　when　I　entered　
Biology；　saw　his　empty　seat；　and　felt　a　new　wave　of　disappointment。　

The　rest　of　the　day　passed　slowly；　dismally。　In　Gym；　we　had　a　lecture　on　
the　rules　of　badminton；　the　next　torture　they　had　lined　up　for　me。　But　at　
least　it　meant　I　got　to　sit　and　listen　instead　of　stumbling　around　on　the　
court。　The　best　part　was　the　coach　didn't　finish；　so　I　got　another　day　
off　tomorrow。　Never　mind　that　the　day　after　they　would　arm　me　with　a　
racket　before　unleashing　me　on　the　rest　of　the　class。　

I　was　glad　to　leave　campus；　so　I　would　be　free　to　pout　and　mope　before　I　
went　out　tonight　with　Jessica　and　pany。　But　right　after　I　walked　in　
the　door　of　Charlie's　house；　Jessica　called　to　cancel　our　plans。　I　tried　
to　be　happy　that　Mike　had　asked　her　out　to　dinner　—　I　really　was　relieved　
that　he　finally　seemed　to　be　catching　on　—　but　my　enthusiasm　sounded　
false　in　my　own　ears。　She　rescheduled　our　shopping　trip　for　tomorrow　
night。　

Which　left　me　with　little　in　the　way　of　distractions。　I　had　fish　
marinating　for　dinner；　with　a　salad　and　bread　left　over　from　the　night　
before；　so　there　was　nothing　to　do　there。　I　spent　a　focused　half　hour　on　
homework；　but　then　I　was　through　with　that；　too。　I　checked　my　email；　
reading　the　backlog　of　letters　from　my　mother；　getting　snippier　as　they　
progressed　to　the　present。　I　sighed　and　typed　a　quick　response。　

Mom；　

Sorry。　I've　been　out。　I　went　to　the　beach　with　some　friends。　And　I　had　to　
write　a　paper。　



My　excuses　were　fairly　pathetic；　so　I　gave　up　on　that。　



It's　sunny　outside　today　　I　know；　I'm　shocked；　too　　so　I'm　going　to　go　
outside　and　soak　up　as　much　vitamin　D　as　I　can。　I　love　you；　

Bella。　



I　decided　to　kill　an　hour　with　nonschoolrelated　reading。　I　had　a　small　
collection　of　books　that　came　with　me　to　Forks；　the　shabbiest　volume　
being　a　pilation　of　the　works　of　Jane　Austen。　I　selected　that　one　and　
headed　to　the　backyard；　grabbing　a　ragged　old　quilt　from　the　linen　
cupboard　at　the　top　of　the　stairs　on　my　way　down。　

Outside　in　Charlie's　small；　square　yard；　I　folded　the　quilt　in　half　and　
laid　it　out　of　the　reach　of　the　trees'　shadows　on　the　thick　lawn　that　
would　always　be　slightly　wet；　no　matter　how　long　the　sun　shone。　I　lay　on　
my　stomach；　crossing　my　ankles　in　the　air；　flipping　through　the　different　
novels　in　the　book；　trying　to　decide　which　would　occupy　my　mind　the　most　
thoroughly。　My　favorites　were　Pride　and　Prejudice　and　Sense　and　
Sensibility。　I'd　read　the　first　most　recently；　so　I　started　into　Sense　
and　Sensibility；　only　to　remember　after　I　began　three　that　the　hero　of　
the　story　happened　to　be　named　Edward。　Angrily；　I　turned　to　Mansfield　
Park；　but　the　hero　of　that　piece　was　named　Edmund；　and　that　was　just　too　
close。　Weren't　there　any　other　names　available　in　the　late　eighteenth　
century？　I　snapped　the　book　shut；　annoyed；　and　rolled　over　onto　my　back。　
I　pushed　my　sleeves　up　as　high　as　they　would　go；　and　closed　my　eyes。　I　
would　think　of　nothing　but　the　warmth　on　my　skin；　I　told　myself　severely。　
The　breeze　was　still　light；　but　it　blew　tendrils　of　my　hair　around　my　
face；　and　that　tickled　a　bit。　I　pulled　all　my　hair　over　my　head；　letting　
it　fan　out　on　the　quilt　above　me；　and　focused　again　on　the　heat　that　
touched　my　eyelids；　my　cheekbones；　my　nose；　my　lips；　my　forearms；　my　
neck；　soaked　through　my　light　shirt…　

The　next　thing　I　was　conscious　of　was　the　sound　of　Charlie's　cruiser　
turning　onto　the　bricks　of　the　driveway。　I　sat　up　in　surprise；　realizing　
the　light　was　gone；　behind　the　trees；　and　I　had　fallen　asleep。　I　looked　
around；　muddled；　with　the　sudden　feeling　that　I　wasn't　alone。　

〃Charlie？〃　I　asked。　But　I　could　hear　his　door　slamming　in　front　of　the　
house。　

I　jumped　up；　foolishly　edgy；　gathering　the　nowdamp　quilt　and　my　book。　I　
ran　inside　to　get　some　oil　heating　on　the　stove；　realizing　that　dinner　
would　be　late。　Charlie　was　hanging　up　his　gun　belt　and　stepping　out　of　
his　boots　when　I　came　in。　

〃Sorry；　Dad；　dinner's　not　ready　yet　—　I　fell　asleep　outside。〃　I　stifled　a　
yawn。　

〃Don't　worry　about　it；〃　he　said。　〃I　wanted　to　catch　the　score　on　the　
game；　anyway。〃　

I　watched　TV　with　Charlie　after　dinner；　for　something　to　do。　There　wasn't　
anything　on　I　wanted　to　watch；　but　he　knew　I　didn't　like　baseball；　so　he　
turned　it　to　some　mindless　sit　that　neither　of　us　enjoyed。　He　seemed　
happy；　though；　to　be　doing　something　together。　And　it　felt　good；　despite　
my　depression；　to　make　him　happy。　

〃Dad；〃　I　said　during　a　mercial；　〃Jessica　and　Angela　are　going　to　look　
at　dresses　for　the　dance　tomorrow　night　in　Port　Angeles；　and　they　wanted　

me　to　help　them　choose…　do　you　mind　if　I　go　with　them？〃　

〃Jessica　Stanley？〃　he　asked。　

〃And　Angela　Weber。〃　I　sighed　as　I　gave　him　the　details。　

He　was　confused。　〃But　you're　not　going　to　the　dance；　right？〃　

〃No；　Dad；　but　I'm　helping　them　find　dresses　—　you　know；　giving　them　
constructive　criticism。〃　I　wouldn't　have　to　explain　this　to　a　woman。　

〃Well；　okay。〃　He　seemed　to　realize　that　he　was　out　of　his　depth　with　the　
girlie　stuff。　〃It's　a　school　night；　though。〃　

〃We'll　leave　right　after　school；　so　we　can　get　back　early。　You'll　be　okay　
for　dinner；　right？〃　

〃Bells；　I　fed　myself　for　seventeen　years　before　you　got　here；〃　he　
reminded　me。　

〃I　don't　know　how　you　survived；〃　I　muttered；　then　added　more　clearly；　
〃I'll　leave　some　things　for　coldcut　sandwiches　in　the　fridge；　okay？　
Right　on　top。〃　

It　was　sunny　again　in　the　morning。　I　awakened　with　renewed　hope　that　I　
grimly　tried　to　suppress。　I　dressed　for　the　warmer　weather　in　a　deep　blue　
Vneck　blouse　—　something　I'd　worn　in　the　dead　of　winter　in　Phoenix。　

I　had　planned　my　arrival　at　school　so　that　I　barely　had　time　to　make　it　
to　class。　With　a　sinking　heart；　I　circled　the　full　lot　looking　for　a　
space；　while　also　searching　for　the　silver　Volvo　that　was　clearly　not　
there。　I　parked　in　the　last　row　and　hurried　to　English；　arriving　
breathless；　but　subdued；　before　the　final　bell。　

It　was　the　same　as　yesterday　—　I　just　couldn't　keep　little　sprouts　of　
hope　from　budding　in　my　mind；　only　to　have　them　squashed　painfully　as　I　
searched　the　lunchroom　in　vain　and　sat　at　my　empty　Biology　table。　

The　Port　Angeles　scheme　was　back　on　again　for　tonight　and　made　all　the　
more　attractive　by　the　fact　that　Lauren　had　other　obligations。　I　was　
anxious　to　get　out　of　town　so　I　could　stop　glancing　over　my　shoulder；　
hoping　to　see　him　appearing　out　of　the　blue　the　way　he　always　did。　I　
vowed　to　myself　that　I　would　be　in　a　good　mood　tonight　and　not　ruin　
Angela's　or　Jessica's　enjoyment　in　the　dress　hunting。　Maybe　I　could　do　a　
little　clothes　shopping　as　well。　I　refused　to　think　that　I　might　be　
shopping　alone　in　Seattle　this　weekend；　no　longer　interested　in　the　
earlier　arrangement。　Surely　he　wouldn't　cancel　without　at　least　telling　
me。　

After　school；　Jessica　followed