4 breaking dawn破晓-第36部分

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imagined　I　could　feel　my　arms　again。　And　in　them；　something　small　and　hard　and　very；　very　warm。　

My　baby。　My　little　nudger。　

I　had　done　it。　Against　the　odds；　I　had　been　strong　enough　to　survive　Renesmee；　to　hold　on　to　her　until　
she　was　strong　enough　to　live　without　me。　



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That　spot　of　heat　in　my　phantom　arms　felt　so　real。　I　clutched　it　closer。　It　was　exactly　where　my　heart　
should　be。　Holding　tight　the　warm　memory　of　my　daughter；　I　knew　that　I　would　be　able　to　fight　the　
darkness　as　long　as　I　needed　to。　

The　warmth　beside　my　heart　got　more　and　more　real；　warmer　and　warmer。　Hotter。　The　heat　was　so　real　
it　was　hard　to　believe　that　I　was　imagining　it。　

Hotter。　

Unfortable　now。　Too　hot。　Much；　much　too　hot。　

Like　grabbing　the　wrong　end　of　a　curling　iron—my　automatic　response　was　to　drop　the　scorching　thing　
in　my　arms。　But　there　was　nothing　in　my　arms。　My　arms　were　not　curled　to　my　chest。　My　arms　were　
dead　things　lying　somewhere　at　my　side。　The　heat　was　inside　me。　

The　burning　grew—rose　and　peaked　and　rose　again　until　it　surpassed　anything　I'd　ever　felt。　

I　felt　the　pulse　behind　the　fire　raging　now　in　my　chest　and　realized　that　I'd　found　my　heart　again；　just　in　
time　to　wish　I　never　had。　To　wish　that　I'd　embraced　the　blackness　while　I'd　still　had　the　chance。　I　wanted　
to　raise　my　arms　and　claw　my　chest　open　and　rip　the　heart　from　it—anything　to　get　rid　of　this　torture。　But　
I　couldn't　feel　my　arms；　couldn't　move　one　vanished　finger。　

James；　snapping　my　leg　under　his　foot。　That　was　nothing。　That　was　a　soft　place　to　rest　on　a　feather　bed。　
I'd　take　that　now；　a　hundred　times。　A　hundred　snaps。　I'd　take　it　and　be　grateful。　

The　baby；　kicking　my　ribs　apart；　breaking　her　way　through　me　piece　by　piece。　That　was　nothing。　That　
was　floating　in　a　pool　of　cool　water。　I'd　take　it　a　thousand　times。　Take　it　and　be　grateful。　

The　fire　blazed　hotter　and　I　wanted　to　scream。　To　beg　for　someone　to　kill　me　now；　before　I　lived　one　
more　second　in　this　pain。　But　I　couldn't　move　my　lips。　The　weight　was　still　there；　pressing　on　me。　

I　realized　it　wasn't　the　darkness　holding　me　down；　it　was　my　body。　So　heavy。　Burying　me　in　the　flames　
that　were　chewing　their　way　out　from　my　heart　now；　spreading　with　impossible　pain　through　my　
shoulders　and　stomach；　scalding　their　way　up　my　throat；　licking　at　my　face。　

Why　couldn't　I　move？　Why　couldn't　I　scream？　This　wasn't　part　of　the　stories。　

My　mind　was　unbearably　clear—sharpened　by　the　fierce　pain—and　I　saw　the　answer　almost　as　soon　as　
I　could　form　the　questions。　

The　morphine。　

It　seemed　like　a　million　deaths　ago　that　we'd　discussed　it—Edward；　Carlisle；　and　I。　Edward　and　Carlisle　
had　hoped　that　enough　painkillers　would　help　fight　the　pain　of　the　venom。　Carlisle　had　tried　with　Emmett；　
but　the　venom　had　burned　ahead　of　the　medicine；　sealing　his　veins。　There　hadn't　been　time　for　it　to　
spread。　

I'd　kept　my　face　smooth　and　nodded　and　thanked　my　rarely　lucky　stars　that　Edward　could　not　read　my　
mind。　




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Because　I'd　had　morphine　and　venom　together　in　my　system　before；　and　I　knew　the　truth。　I　knew　the　
numbness　of　the　medicine　was　pletely　irrelevant　while　the　venom　seared　through　my　veins。　But　
there'd　been　no　way　I　was　going　to　mention　that　fact。　Nothing　that　would　make　him　more　unwilling　to　
change　me。　

I　hadn't　guessed　that　the　morphine　would　have　this　effect—that　it　would　pin　me　down　and　gag　me。　Hold　
me　paralyzed　while　I　burned。　

I　knew　all　the　stories。　I　knew　that　Carlisle　had　kept　quiet　enough　to　avoid　discovery　while　he　burned。　I　
knew　that；　according　to　Rosalie；　it　did　no　good　to　scream。　And　I'd　hoped　that　maybe　I　could　be　like　
Carlisle。　That　I　would　believe　Rosalie's　words　and　keep　my　mouth　shut。　Because　I　knew　that　every　
scream　that　escaped　my　lips　would　torment　Edward。　

Now　it　seemed　like　a　hideous　joke　that　i　was　getting　my　wish　fulfilled。　

If　I　couldn't　scream；　how　could　I　tell　them　to　kill　me？　

All　I　wanted　was　to　die。　To　never　have　been　born。　The　whole　of　my　existence　did　not　outweigh　this　
pain。　Wasn't　worth　living　through　it　for　one　more　heartbeat。　

Let　me　die；　let　me　die；　let　me　die。　

And；　for　a　neverending　space；　that　was　all　there　was。　Just　the　fiery　torture；　and　my　soundless　shrieks；　
pleading　for　death　to　e。　Nothing　else；　not　even　time。　So　that　made　it　infinite；　with　no　beginning　and　no　
end。　One　infinite　moment　of　pain。　

The　only　change　came　when　suddenly；　impossibly；　my　pain　was　doubled。　The　lower　half　of　my　body；　
deadened　since　before　the　morphine；　was　suddenly　on　fire；　too。　Some　broken　connection　had　been　
healed—knitted　together　by　the　scorching　fingers　of　the　flame。　

The　endless　burn　raqed　on。　

It　could　have　been　seconds　or　days；　weeks　or　years；　but；　eventually；　time　came　to　mean　something　
again。　

Three　things　happened　together；　grew　from　each　other　so　that　I　didn't　know　which　came　first：　time　
restarted；　the　morphine's　weight　faded；　and　I　got　stronger。　

I　could　feel　the　control　of　my　body　e　back　to　me　in　increments；　and　those　increments　were　my　first　
markers　of　the　time　passing。　I　knew　it　when　I　was　able　to　twitch　my　toes　and　twist　my　fingers　into　fists。　I　
knew　it；　but　I　did　not　act　on　it。　

Though　the　fire　did　not　decrease　one　tiny　degree—in　fact；　I　began　to　develop　a　new　capacity　for　
experiencing　it；　a　new　sensitivity　to　appreciate；　separately；　each　blistering　tongue　of　flame　that　licked　
through　my　veins—I　discovered　that　I　could　think　around　it。　

I　could　remember　why　I　shouldn't　scream。　I　could　remember　the　reason　why　I'd　mitted　to　enduring　
this　unendurable　agony。　I　could　remember　that；　though　it　felt　impossible　now；　there　was　something　that　
might　be　worth　the　torture。　

This　happened　just　in　time　for　me　to　hold　on　when　the　weights　left　my　body。　To　anyone　watching　me；　



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there　would　be　no　change。　But　for　me；　as　I　struggled　to　keep　the　screams　and　thrashing　locked　up　inside　
my　body；　where　they　couldn't　hurt　anyone　else；　it　felt　like　I'd　gone　from　being　tied　to　the　stake　as　I　
burned；　to　gripping　that　stake　to　hold　myself　in　the　fire。　

I　had　just　enough　strength　to　lie　there　unmoving　while　I　was　charred　alive。　

My　hearing　got　clearer　and　clearer；　and　I　could　count　the　frantic；　pounding　beats　of　my　heart　to　mark　the　
time。　

I　could　count　the　shallow　breaths　that　gasped　through　my　teeth。　

I　could　count　the　low；　even　breaths　that　came　from　somewhere　close　beside　me。　These　moved　slowest；　
so　I　concentrated　on　them。　They　meant　the　most　time　passing。　More　even　than　a　clock's　pendulum；　those　
breaths　pulled　me　through　the　burning　seconds　toward　the　end。　

I　continued　to　get　stronger；　my　thoughts　clearer。　When　new　noises　came；　I　could　listen。　

There　were　light　footsteps；　the　whisper　of　air　stirred　by　an　opening　door。　The　footsteps　gotcloser；　and　I　
felt　pressure　against　the　inside　of　my　wrist。　I　couldn't　feel　the　coolness　of　the　fingers。　The　fire　blistered　
away　every　memory　of　cool。　

〃Still　no　change？〃　

〃None。〃　

The　lightest　pressure；　breath　against　my　scorched　skin。　

〃There's　no　scent　of　the　morphine　left。〃　

〃I　know。〃　

〃Bella？　Can　you　hear　me？〃　

I　knew；　beyond　all　doubt；　that　if　I　unlocked　my　teeth　I　would　lose　it—I　would　shriek　and　screech　and　
writhe　and　

thrash。　If　I　opened　my　eyes；　if　I　so　much　as　twitched　a　finger—any　change　at　all　would　be　the　end　of　my　
control。　

〃Bella？　Bella；　love？　Can　you　open　your　eyes？　Can　you　squeeze　my　hand？〃　

Pressure　on　my　fingers。　It　was　harder　not　to　answer　this　voice；　but　I　stayed　paralyzed。　I　knew　that　the　
pain　in　his　voice　now　was　nothing　pared　to　what　it　could　be。　Right　now　he　only　feared　that　I　was　
suffering。　

〃Maybe。。。　Carlisle；　maybe　I　was　too　late。〃　His　voice　was　muffled；　it　broke　on　the　word　late。　

My　resolve　wavered　for　a　second。　

〃Listen　to　her　heart；　Edward。　It's　stronger　than　even　Emmett's　was。　I've　never　heard　anything　so　vital。　
Shell　be　perfect。〃　



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Yes；　I　was　right　to　keep　quiet。　Carlisle　would　reassure　him。　He　didn't　need　to　suffer　with　me。　

〃And　her—her　spine？〃　

〃Her　injuries　weren't　so　much　worse　than　Esme's。　The　venom　will　heal　her　as　it　did　Esme。〃　

〃But　she's　so　still。　I　must　have　done　something　wrong。〃　

〃Or　something　right；　Edward。　Son；　you　did　everything　I　could　have　and　more。　I'm　not　sure　I　would　have　
had　the　persistence；　the　faith　it　took　to　save　her。　Stop　berating　yourself。　Bella　is　going　to　be　fine。〃　

A　broken　whisper。　〃She　must　be　in　agony。〃　

〃We　don't　know　that。　She　had　so　much　morphine　in　her　system。　We　don't　know　the　effect　that　will　have　
on　her　experience。〃　

Faint　pressure　inside　the　crease　of　my　elbow。　Another　whisper。　〃Bella；　I　love　you。　Bella；　I'm　sorry。〃　

I　wanted　so　much　to　answer　him；　but　I　wouldn't　make　his　pain　worse。　Not　while　I　had　the　strength　to　
hold　myself　still。　

Through　all　this；　the　racking　fire　went　right　on　burning　me。　But　there　was　so　much　space　in　my　head　now。　
Room　to　ponder　their　conversation；　room　to　remember　what　had　happened；　room　to　look　ahead　to　the　
future；　with　still　endless　room　left　over　to　suffer　in。　

Also　room　to　worry。　

Where　was　my　baby？　Why　wasn't　she　here？　Why　weren't　they　talking　about　her？　

〃No；　I'm　staying　right　here；〃　Edward　whispered；　answering　an　unspoken　thought。　〃They'll　sort　it　out。〃　

〃An　interesting　situation；〃　Carlisle　responded。　〃And　I'd　thought　I'd　seen　just　about　everything。〃　

〃I'll　deal　with　it　later。　We'll　deal　with　it。〃　Something　pressed　softly　to　my　blistering　palm。　

〃I'm　sure；　between　the　five　of　us；　we　can　keep　it　from　turning　into　bloodshed。〃　

Edward　sighed。　〃I　don't　know　which　side　to　take。　I'd　love　to　flog　them　both。　Well；　later。〃　

〃I　wonder　what　Bella　will　think—whose　side　she'll　take；〃　Carlisle　mused。　

One　low；　strained　chuckle。　〃I'm　sure　she'll　surprise　me。　She　always　does。〃　

Carlisle's　footsteps　faded　away　again；　and　I　was　frustrated　that　there　was　no　further　explanation。　Were　
they　talking　so　mysteriously　just　to　annoy　me？　

I　went　back　to　counting　Edward's　breaths　to　mark　the　time。　

Ten　thousand；　nine　hundred　fortythree　breaths　later；　a　different　set　of　footsteps　whispered　into　the　
room。　Lighter。　More。。。　rhythmic。　



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Strange　that　I　could　distinguish　the　minute　differences　between　footsteps　that　I'd　never　been　able　to　hear　
at　all　before　today。　

〃How　much　longer？〃　Edward　asked。　

〃It　won't　be　long　now；〃　Alice　told　him。　〃See　how　clear　she's　being？　I　can　see　her　so　much　better。〃　
She　sighed。　

〃Still　feeling　a　little　bitter？〃　

〃Yes；　thanks　so　much　for　bringing　it　up；〃　she　grumbled。　〃You　would　be　mortified；　too；　if　you　realized　that　
you　were　handcuffed　by　your　own　nature。　I　see　vampires　best；　because　I　am　one；　I　see　humans　okay；　
because　I　was　one。　But　I　can't　see　these　odd　halfbreeds　at　all　because　they're　nothing　I've　experienced。　
Bah！〃　

〃Focus；　Alice。〃　

〃Right。　Bella's　almost　too　easy　to　see　now。〃　

There　was　a　long　moment　of　silence；　and　then　Edward　sighed。　It　was　a　new　sound；　happier。　

〃She's　really　going　to　be　fine；〃　he　breathed。　

〃Of　course　she　is。〃　

〃You　weren't　so　sanguine　two　days　ago。〃　

〃I　couldn't　see　right　two　days　ago。　But　now　that　she's　free　of　all　the　blind　spots；　it's　a　piece　of　cake。〃　

〃Could　you　concentrate　for　me？　On　the　clock—give　me　an　estimate。〃　

Alice　sighed。　〃So　impatient。　Fine。　Give　me　a　sec—〃　

Quiet　breathing。　

〃Thank　you；　Alice。〃　His　voice　was　brighter。　

How　long？Couldn't　they　at　least　say　it　aloud　for　me？　Was　that　too　much　to　ask？　How　many　more　
seconds　would　I　burn？　Ten　thousand？　Twenty？　Another　day—eightysix　thousand；　four　hundred？　More　
than　that？　

〃She's　going　to　be　dazzling。〃　

Edward　growled　quietly。　〃She　always　has　been。〃　

Alice　snorted。　〃You　know　what　I　mean。　Look　at　her。〃　

Edward　didn't　answer；　but　Alice's　words　gave　me　hope　that　maybe　I　didn't　resemble　the　charcoal　
briquette　I　felt　like。　It　seemed　as　if　I　must　be　just　a　pile　of　charred　bones　by　now。　Every　cell　in　my　body　
had　been　razed　to　ash。　



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I　heard　Alice　breeze　out　of　the　room。　I　heard　the　swish　of　the　fabric　she　moved；　rubbing　against　itself。　I　
heard　the　quiet　buzz　of　the　light　hanging　from　the　ceiling。　I　heard　the　faint　wind　brushing　against　the　
outside　of　the　house。　I　could　hear　everything。　

Downstairs；　someone　was　watching　a　ball　game。　The　Mariners　were　winning　by　two　runs。　

〃It's　my　turn〃　I　heard　Rosalie　snap　at　someone；　and　there　was　a　low　snarl　in　response。　

〃Hey；　now；〃　Emmett　cautioned。　

Someone　hissed。　

I　listened　for　more；　but　there　was　nothing　but　the　game。　Baseball　was　not　interesting　enough　to　distract　
me　from　the　pain；　so　I　listened　to　Edward's　breathing　again；　counting　the　seconds。　

Twentyone　thousand；　nine　hundred　seventeen　and　a　half　seconds　later；　the　pain　changed。　

On　the　goodnews　side　of　things；　it　started　to　fade　from　my　fingertips　and　toes。　Fading　slowly；　but　at　
least　it　was　doing　something　new。　This　had　to　be　it。　The　pain　was　on　its　way　out。。。　

And　then　the　bad　news。　The　fire　in　my　throat　wasn't　the　same　as　before。　I　wasn't　only　on　fire；　but　I　was　
now　parched；　too。　Dry　as　bone。　So　thirsty。　Burning　fire；　and　burning　thirst。。。　

Also　bad　news：　The　fire　inside　my　heart　got　hotter。　

How　was　that　possible？　

My　heartbeat；　already　too　fast；　picked　up—the　fire　drove　its　rhythm　to　a　new　frantic　pace。　

〃Carlisle；〃　Edward　called。　His　voice　was　low　but　clear。　I　knew　that　Carlisle　would　hear　it；　if　he　were　in　
or　near　the　house。　

The　fire　retreated　from　my　palms；　leaving　them　blissfully　painfree　and　cool。　But　it　retreated　to　my　heart；　
which　blazed　hot　as　the　sun　and　beat　at　a　furious　new　speed。　

Carlisle　entered　the　room；　Alice　at　his　side。　Their　footsteps　were　so　distinct；　I　could　even　tell　that　
Carlisle　was　on　the　right；　and　a　foot　ahead　of　Alice。　

〃Listen；〃　Edward　told　them。　

The　loudest　sound　in　the　room　was　my　frenzied　heart；　pounding　to　the　rhythm　of　the　fire。　

〃Ah；〃　Carlisle　said。　〃It's　almost　over。〃　

My　relief　at　his　words　was　overshadowed　by　the　excruciating　pain　in　my　heart。　

My　wrists　were　free；　though；　and　my　ankles。　The　fire　was　totally　extinguished　there。　

〃Soon；〃　Alice　agreed　eagerly。　〃I'll　get　the　others。　Should　I　have　Rosalie。。。　？〃　




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〃Yes—keep　the　baby　away。〃　

What？　No。　No！　What　did　he　mean；　keep　my　baby　away？　What　was　he　thinking？　

My　fingers　twitched—the　irritation　breaking　through　my　perfect　facade。　The　room　went　silent　besides　
the　jackhammering　of　my　heart　as　they　all　stopped　breathing　for　a　second　in　response。　

A　hand　squeezed　my　wayward　fingers。　〃Bella？　Bella；　love？〃　

Could　I　answer　him　without　screaming？　I　considered　that　for　a　moment；　and　then　the　fire　rip