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'You　imply；'　said　Arthur；　smarting　under　these　cool…handed　thrusts；　of
which　he　had　deeply　felt　the　force　already；　'that　there　was　something……'

'Mr　Clennam；'　she　posedly　interrupted；　'recollect　that　I　do　not　speak
by　implication　about　the　man。　He　is；　I　say　again　without　disguise；　a　low
mercenary　wretch。　I　suppose　such　a　creature　goes　where　there　is　occasion
for　him。　If　I　had　not　had　occasion　for　him；　you　would　not　have　seen　him
and　me　together。'

Wrung　by　her　persistence　in　keeping　that　dark　side　of　the　case　before
him；　of　which　there　was　a　half…hidden　shadow　in　his　own　breast；　Clennam
was　silent。

'I　have　spoken　of　him　as　still　living；'　she　added；　'but　he　may　have　been
put　out　of　the　way　for　anything　I　know。　For　anything　I　care；　also。　I
have　no　further　occasion　for　him。'

With　a　heavy　sigh　and　a　despondent　air；　Arthur　Clennam　slowly　rose。

She　did　not　rise　also；　but　said；　having　looked　at　him　in　the　meanwhile
with　a　fixed　look　of　suspicion；　and　lips　angrily　pressed：

'He　was　the　chosen　associate　of　your　dear　friend；　Mr　Gowan；　was　he　not？
Why　don't　you　ask　your　dear　friend　to　help　you？'

The　denial　that　he　was　a　dear　friend　rose　to　Arthur's　lips；　but　he
repressed　it；　remembering　his　old　struggles　and　resolutions；　and　said：

'Further　than　that　he　has　never　seen　Blandois　since　Blandois　set　out　for
England；　Mr　Gowan　knows　nothing　additional　about　him。　He　was　a　chance
acquaintance；　made　abroad。'

'A　chance　acquaintance　made　abroad！'　she　repeated。　'Yes。　Your　dear
friend　has　need　to　divert　himself　with　all　the　acquaintances　he　can
make；　seeing　what　a　wife　he　has。　I　hate　his　wife；　sir。'

The　anger　with　which　she　said　it；　the　more　remarkable　for　being　so　much
under　her　restraint；　fixed　Clennam's　attention；　and　kept　him　on　the
spot。　It　flashed　out　of　her　dark　eyes　as　they　regarded　him；　quivered　in
her　nostrils；　and　fired　the　very　breath　she　exhaled；　but　her　face　was
otherwise　posed　into　a　disdainful　serenity；　and　her　attitude　was　as
calmly　and　haughtily　graceful　as　if　she　had　been　in　a　mood　of　plete
indifference。

'All　I　will　say　is；　Miss　Wade；'　he　remarked；　'that　you　can　have　received
no　provocation　to　a　feeling　in　which　I　believe　you　have　no　sharer。'

'You　may　ask　your　dear　friend；　if　you　choose；'　she　returned；　'for　his
opinion　upon　that　subject。'

'I　am　scarcely　on　those　intimate　terms　with　my　dear　friend；'　said
Arthur；　in　spite　of　his　resolutions；　'that　would　render　my　approaching
the　subject　very　probable；　Miss　Wade。'

'I　hate　him；'　she　returned。　'Worse　than　his　wife；　because　I　was　once
dupe　enough；　and　false　enough　to　myself；　almost　to　love　him。　You　have
seen　me；　sir；　only　on　mon…place　occasions；　when　I　dare　say　you　have
thought　me　a　mon…place　woman；　a　little　more　self…willed　than　the
generality。　You　don't　know　what　I　mean　by　hating；　if　you　know　me　no
better　than　that；　you　can't　know；　without　knowing　with　what　care　I　have
studied　myself　and　people　about　me。　For　this　reason　I　have　for　some
time　inclined　to　tell　you　what　my　life　has　been……not　to　propitiate　your
opinion；　for　I　set　no　value　on　it；　but　that　you　may　prehend；　when
you　think　of　your　dear　friend　and　his　dear　wife；　what　I　mean　by　hating。
Shall　I　give　you　something　I　have　written　and　put　by　for　your　perusal；
or　shall　I　hold　my　hand？'

Arthur　begged　her　to　give　it　to　him。　She　went　to　the　bureau；　unlocked
it；　and　took　from　an　inner　drawer　a　few　folded　sheets　of　paper。　Without
any　conciliation　of　him；　scarcely　addressing　him；　rather　speaking　as　if
she　were　speaking　to　her　own　looking…glass　for　the　justification　of　her
own　stubbornness；　she　said；　as　she　gave　them　to　him：

'Now　you　may　know　what　I　mean　by　hating！　No　more　of　that。　Sir；　whether
you　find　me　temporarily　and　cheaply　lodging　in　an　empty　London　house；　or
in　a　Calais　apartment；　you　find　Harriet　with　me。　You　may　like　to　see
her　before　you　leave。　Harriet；　e　in！'　She　called　Harriet　again。　The
second　call　produced　Harriet；　once　Tattycoram。

'Here　is　Mr　Clennam；'　said　Miss　Wade；　'not　e　for　you；　he　has　given
you　up；……I　suppose　you　have；　by　this　time？'

'Having　no　authority；　or　influence……yes；'　assented　Clennam。

'Not　e　in　search　of　you；　you　see；　but　still　seeking　some　one。　He
wants　that　Blandois　man。'

'With　whom　I　saw　you　in　the　Strand　in　London；'　hinted　Arthur。　'If　you
know　anything　of　him；　Harriet；　except　that　he　came　from　Venice……which
we　all　know……tell　it　to　Mr　Clennam　freely。'　'I　know　nothing　more　about
him；'　said　the　girl。

'Are　you　satisfied？'　Miss　Wade　inquired　of　Arthur。

He　had　no　reason　to　disbelieve　them；　the　girl's　manner　being　so　natural
as　to　be　almost　convincing；　if　he　had　had　any　previous　doubts。　He
replied；　'I　must　seek　for　intelligence　elsewhere。'

He　was　not　going　in　the　same　breath；　but　he　had　risen　before　the　girl
entered；　and　she　evidently　thought　he　；
and　said：

'Are　they　well；　sir？'

'Who？'

She　stopped　herself　in　saying　what　would　have　been　'all　of　them；'
glanced　at　Miss　Wade；　and　said　'Mr　and　Mrs　Meagles。'

'They　were；　when　I　last　heard　of　them。　They　are　not　at　home。　By　the　way；
let　me　ask　you。　Is　it　true　that　you　were　seen　there？'

'Where？　Where　does　any　one　say　I　was　seen？'　returned　the　girl；　sullenly
casting　down　her　eyes。

'Looking　in　at　the　garden　gate　of　the　cottage。'

'No；'　said　Miss　Wade。　'She　has　never　been　near　it。'

'You　are　wrong；　then；'　said　the　girl。　'I　went　down　there　the　last　time
we　were　in　London。　I　went　one　afternoon　when　you　left　me　alone。　And　I
did　look　in。'

'You　poor…spirited　girl；'　returned　Miss　Wade　with　infinite　contempt；
'does　all　our　panionship；　do　all　our　conversations；　do　all　your　old
plainings；　tell　for　so　little　as　that？'

'There　was　no　harm　in　looking　in　at　the　gate　for　an　instant；'　said　the
girl。　'I　saw　by　the　windows　that　the　family　were　not　there。'

'Why　should　you　go　near　the　place？'

'Because　I　wanted　to　see　it。　Because　I　felt　that　I　should　like　to　look
at　it　again。'

As　each　of　the　two　handsome　faces　looked　at　the　other；　Clennam　felt　how
each　of　the　two　natures　must　be　constantly　tearing　the　other　to　pieces。

'Oh！'　said　Miss　Wade；　coldly　subduing　and　removing　her　glance；　'if　you
had　any　desire　to　see　the　place　where　you　led　the　life　from　which　I
rescued　you　because　you　had　found　out　what　it　was；　that　is　another
thing。　But　is　that　your　truth　to　me？　Is　that　your　fidelity　to　me？　Is
that　the　mon　cause　I　make　with　you？　You　are　not　worth　the　confidence
I　have　placed　in　you。　You　are　not　worth　the　favour　I　have　shown　you。　You
are　no　higher　than　a　spaniel；　and　had　better　go　back　to　the　people　who
did　worse　than　whip　you。'

'If　you　speak　so　of　them　with　any　one　else　by　to　hear；　you'll　provoke　me
to　take　their　part；'　said　the　girl。

'Go　back　to　them；'　Miss　Wade　retorted。　'Go　back　to　them。'

'You　know　very　well；'　retorted　Harriet　in　her　turn；　'that　I　won't　go
back　to　them。　You　know　very　well　that　I　have　thrown　them　off；　and　never
can；　never　shall；　never　will；　go　back　to　them。　Let　them　alone；　then；
Miss　Wade。'

'You　prefer　their　plenty　to　your　less　fat　living　here；'　she　rejoined。
'You　exalt　them；　and　slight　me。　What　else　should　I　have　expected？　I
ought　to　have　known　it。'

'It's　not　so；'　said　the　girl；　flushing　high；　'and　you　don't　say　what　you
mean。　I　know　what　you　mean。　You　are　reproaching　me；　underhanded；　with
having　nobody　but　you　to　look　to。　And　because　I　have　nobody　but　you
to　look　to；　you　think　you　are　to　make　me　do；　or　not　do；　everything　you
please；　and　are　to　put　any　affront　upon　me。　You　are　as　bad　as　they　were；
every　bit。　But　I　ade　submissive。　I　will
say　again　that　I　went　to　look　at　the　house；　because　I　had　often　thought
that　I　should　like　to　see　it　once　more。　I　will　ask　again　how　they　are；
because　I　once　liked　them　and　at　times　thought　they　were　kind　to　me。'

Hereupon　Clennam　said　that　he　was　sure　they　would　still　receive　her
kindly；　if　she　should　ever　desire　to　return。

'Never！'　said　the　girl　passionately。　'I　shall　never　do　that。　Nobody
knows　that　better　than　Miss　Wade；　though　she　taunts　me　because　she　has
made　me　her　dependent。　And　I　know　I　am　so；　and　I　know　she　is　overjoyed
when　she　can　bring　it　to　my　mind。'

'A　good　pretence！'　said　Miss　Wade；　with　no　less　anger；　haughtiness；　and
bitterness；　'but　too　threadbare　to　cover　what　I　plainly　see　in　this。　My
poverty　will　not　bear　petition　with　their　money。　Better　go　back　at
once；　better　go　back　at　once；　and　have　done　with　it！'

Arthur　Clennam　looked　at　them；　standing　a　little　distance　asunder　in　the
dull　confined　room；　each　proudly　cherishing　her　own　anger；　each；　with
a　fixed　determination；　torturing　her　own　breast；　and　torturing　the
other's。　He　said　a　word　or　two　of　leave…taking；　but　Miss　Wade　barely
inclined　her　head；　and　Harriet；　with　the　assumed　humiliation　of　an
abject　dependent　and　serf　（but　not　without　defiance　for　all　that）；　made
as　if　she　were　too　low　to　notice　or　to　be　noticed。

He　came　down　the　dark　winding　stairs　into　the　yard　with　an　increased
sense　upon　him　of　the　gloom　of　the　wall　that　was　dead；　and　of　the　shrubs
that　were　dead；　and　of　the　fountain　that　was　dry；　and　of　the　statue　that
was　gone。　Pondering　much　on　what　he　had　seen　and　heard　in　that　house；
as　well　as　on　the　failure　of　all　his　efforts　to　trace　the　suspicious
character　who　was　lost；　he　returned　to　London　and　to　England　by　the
packet　that　had　taken　him　over。　On　the　way　he　unfolded　the　sheets　of
paper；　and　read　in　them　what　is　reproduced　in　the　next　chapter。




CHAPTER　21。　The　History　of　a　Self…Tormentor


I　have　the　misfortune　of　not　being　a　fool。　From　a　very　early　age　I　have
detected　what　those　about　me　thought　they　hid　from　me。　If　I　could　have
been　habitually　imposed　upon；　instead　of　habitually　discerning　the
truth；　I　might　have　lived　as　smoothly　as　most　fools　do。

My　childhood　was　passed　with　a　grandmother；　that　is　to　say；　with　a　lady
who　represented　that　relative　to　me；　and　who　took　that　title　on　herself。
She　had　no　claim　to　it；　but　I……being　to　that　extent　a　little　fool……had
no　suspicion　of　her。　She　had　some　children　of　her　own　family　in　her
house；　and　some　children　of　other　people。　All　girls；　ten　in　number；
including　me。　We　all　lived　together　and　were　educated　together。

I　must　have　been　about　twelve　years　old　when　I　began　to　see　how
determinedly　those　girls　patronised　me。　I　was　told　I　was　an　orphan。
There　was　no　other　orphan　among　us；　and　I　perceived　（here　was　the
first　disadvantage　of　not　being　a　fool）　that　they　conciliated　me　in　an
insolent　pity；　and　in　a　sense　of　superiority。　I　did　not　set　this　down
as　a　discovery；　rashly。　I　tried　them　often。　I　could　hardly　make　them
quarrel　with　me。　When　I　succeeded　with　any　of　them；　they　were　sure　to
e　after　an　hour　or　two；　and　begin　a　reconciliation。　I　tried　them　over
and　over　again；　and　I　never　knew　them　wait　for　me　to　begin。　They　were
always　forgiving　me；　in　their　vanity　and　condescension。　Little　images　of
grown　people！

One　of　them　was　my　chosen　friend。　I　loved　that　stupid　mite　in　a
passionate　way　that　she　could　no　more　deserve　than　I　can　remember
without　feeling　ashamed　of；　though　I　was　but　a　child。　She　had　what　they
called　an　amiable　temper；　an　affectionate　temper。　She　could　distribute；
and　did　distribute　pretty　looks　and　smiles　to　every　one　among　them。　I
believe　there　was　not　a　soul　in　the　place；　except　myself；　who　knew　that
she　did　it　purposely　to　wound　and　gall　me！

Nevertheless；　I　so　loved　that　unworthy　girl　that　my　life　was　made　stormy
by　my　fondness　for　her。　I　was　constantly　lectured　and　disgraced　for　what
was　called　'trying　her；'　in　other　words　charging　her　with　her　little
perfidy　and　throwing　her　into　tears　by　showing　her　that　I　read　her
heart。　However；　I　loved　her　faithfully；　and　one　time　I　went　home　with
her　for　the　holidays。

She　was　worse　at　home　than　she　had　been　at　school。　She　had　a　crowd　of
cousins　and　acquaintances；　and　we　had　dances　at　her　house；　and　went　out
to　dances　at　other　houses；　and；　both　at　home　and　out；　she　tormented　my
love　beyond　endurance。　Her　plan　was；　to　make　them　all　fond　of　her……and
so　drive　me　wild　with　jealousy。　To　be　familiar　and　endearing　with　them
all……and　so　make　me　mad　with　envying　them。　When　we　were　left　alone　in
our　bedroom　at　night；　I　would　reproach　her　with　my　perfect　knowledge　of
her　baseness；　and　then　she　would　cry　and　cry　and　say　I　was　cruel；　and
then　I　would　hold　her　in　my　arms　till　morning：　loving　her　as　much　as
ever；　and　often　feeling　as　if；　rather　than　suffer　so；　I　could　so　hold
her　in　my　arms　and　plunge　to　the　bottom　of　a　river……where　I　would　still
hold　her　after　we　were　both　dead。

It　came　to　an　end；　and　I　was　relieved。　In　the　family　there　was　an　aunt
who　was　not　fond　of　me。　I　doubt　if　any　of　the　family　liked　me　much；　but
I　never　wanted　them　to　like　me；　being　altogether　bound　up　in　the　one
girl。　The　aunt　was　a　young　woman；　and　she　had　a　serious　way　with　her
eyes　of　watching　me。　She　was　an　audacious　woman；　and　openly　looked
passionately　at　me。　After　one　of　the　nights　that　I　have　spoken　of；　I
came　down　into　a　greenhouse　before　breakfast。　Charlotte　（the　name　of
my　false　young　friend）　had　gone　down　before　me；　and　I　heard　this　aunt
speaking　to　her　about　me　as　I　entered。　I　stopped　where　I　was；　among　the
leaves；　and　listened。

The　aunt　said；　'Charlotte；　Miss　Wade　is　wearing　you　to　death；　and　this
must　not　continue。'　I　repeat　the　very　words　I　heard。

Now；　what　did　she　answer？　Did　she　say；　'It　is　I　who　am　wearing　her　to
death；　I　who　am　keeping　her　on　a　rack　and　am　the　executioner；　yet　she
tells　me　every　night　that　she　loves　me　devotedly；　though　she　knows　what
I　make　her　undergo？'　No；　my　first　memorable　experience　was　true　to
what　I　knew　her　to　be；　and　to　all　my　experience。　She　began　sobbing　and
weeping　（to　secure　the　aunt's　sympathy　to　herself）；　and　said；　'Dear
aunt；　she　has　an　unhappy　temper；　other　girls　at　school；　besides　I；　try
hard　to　make　it　better；　we　all　try　hard。'

Upon　that　the　aunt　fondled　her；　as　if　she　had　said　something　noble
instead　of　despicable　and　false；　and　kept　up　the　infamous　pretence　by
replying；　'But　there　are　reasonable　limits；　my　dear　love；　to　everything；
and　I　see　that　this　poor　miserable　girl　causes　you　more　constant　and
useless　distress　than　even　so　good　an　effort　justifies。'

The　poor　miserable　girl　came　out　of　her　concealment；　as　you　may　be
prepared　to　hear；　and　said；　'Send　me　home。'　I　never　said　another　word
to　either　of　them；　or　to　any　of　them；　but　'Send　me　home；　or　I　will
walk　home　alone；　night　and　day！'　When　I　got　home；　I　told　my　supposed
grandmother　that；　unless　I　was　sent　away　to　finish　my　education
somewhere　else　before　that　girl　came　back；　or　before　any　one　of　them
came　back；　I　would　burn　my　sight　away　by　throwing　myself　into　the　fire；
rather　than　I　would　endure　to　look　at　their　plotting　faces。

I　went　among　young　women　next；　and　I　found　them　no　better。　Fair
words　and　fair　pretences；　but　I　perated　below　those　assertions　of
themselves　and　depreciations　of　me；　and　they　were　no　better。　Before
I　left　them；　I　learned　that　I　had　no　grandmother　and　no　recognised
relation。　I　carried　the　light　of　that　information　both　into　my　past
and　into　my　future。　It　showed　me　many　new　occasions　on　which　people
triumphed　over　me；　when　they　made　a　pretence　of　treating　me　with
consideration；　or　doing　me　a　service。

A　man　of　business　had　a　small　property　in　trust　for　me