简爱(英文版)-第2部分

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trike；　and　while　dreading　the　blow；　I　mused　on　the　disgusting　and　ugly　appearance　of　him　who　would　presently　deal　it。　I　wonder　if　he　read　that　notion　in　my　face；　for；　all　at　once；　without　speaking；　he　struck　suddenly　and　strongly。　I　tottered；　and　on　regaining　my　equilibrium　retired　back　a　step　or　two　from　his　chair。
“That　is　for　your　impudence　in　answering　mama　awhile　since；”　said　he；　“and　for　your　sneaking　way　of　getting　behind　curtains；　and　for　the　look　you　had　in　your　eyes　two　minutes　since；　you　rat！”
Accustomed　to　John　Reed’s　abuse；　I　never　had　an　idea　of　replying　to　it；　my　care　was　how　to　endure　the　blow　which　would　certainly　follow　the　insult。
“What　were　you　doing　behind　the　curtain？”　he　asked。
“I　was　reading。”
“Show　the　book。”
I　returned　to　the　window　and　fetched　it　thence。
“You　have　no　business　to　take　our　books；　you　are　a　dependent；　mama　says；　you　have　no　money；　your　father　left　you　none；　you　ought　to　beg；　and　not　to　live　here　with　gentlemen’s　children　like　us；　and　eat　the　same　meals　we　do；　and　wear　clothes　at　our　mama’s　expense。　Now；　I’ll　teach　you　to　rummage　my　bookshelves：　for　they　are　mine；　all　the　house　belongs　to　me；　or　will　do　in　a　few　years。　Go　and　stand　by　the　door；　out　of　the　way　of　the　mirror　and　the　windows。”
I　did　so；　not　at　first　aware　what　was　his　intention；　but　when　I　saw　him　lift　and　poise　the　book　and　stand　in　act　to　hurl　it；　I　instinctively　started　aside　with　a　cry　of　alarm：　not　soon　enough；　however；　the　volume　was　flung；　it　hit　me；　and　I　fell；　striking　my　head　against　the　door　and　cutting　it。　The　cut　bled；　the　pain　was　sharp：　my　terror　had　passed　its　climax；　other　feelings　succeeded。
“Wicked　and　cruel　boy！”　I　said。　“You　are　like　a　murderer—you　are　like　a　slave…driver—you　are　like　the　Roman　emperors！”
I　had　read　Goldsmith’s　History　of　Rome；　and　had　formed　my　opinion　of　Nero；　Caligula；　&c。　Also　I　had　drawn　parallels　in　silence；　which　I　never　thought　thus　to　have　declared　aloud。
“What！　what！”　he　cried。　“Did　she　say　that　to　me？　Did　you　hear　her；　Eliza　and　Georgiana？　Won’t　I　tell　mama？　but　first—”
He　ran　headlong　at　me：　I　felt　him　grasp　my　hair　and　my　shoulder：　he　had　closed　with　a　desperate　thing。　I　really　saw　in　him　a　tyrant；　a　murderer。　I　felt　a　drop　or　two　of　blood　from　my　head　trickle　down　my　neck；　and　was　sensible　of　somewhat　pungent　suffering：　these　sensations　for　the　time　predominated　over　fear；　and　I　received　him　in　frantic　sort。　I　don’t　very　well　know　what　I　did　with　my　hands；　but　he　called　me　“Rat！　Rat！”　and　bellowed　out　aloud。　Aid　was　near　him：　Eliza　and　Georgiana　had　run　for　Mrs。　Reed；　who　was　gone　upstairs：　she　now　came　upon　the　scene；　followed　by　Bessie　and　her　maid　Abbot。　We　were　parted：　I　heard　the　words—
“Dear！　dear！　What　a　fury　to　fly　at　Master　John！”
“Did　ever　anybody　see　such　a　picture　of　passion！”
Then　Mrs。　Reed　subjoined—
“Take　her　away　to　the　red…room；　and　lock　her　in　there。”　Four　hands　were　immediately　laid　upon　me；　and　I　was　borne　upstairs。
Chapter　2
I　resisted　all　the　way：　a　new　thing　for　me；　and　a　circumstance　which　greatly　strengthened　the　bad　opinion　Bessie　and　Miss　Abbot　were　disposed　to　entertain　of　me。　The　fact　is；　I　was　a　trifle　beside　myself；　or　rather　out　of　myself；　as　the　French　would　say：　I　was　conscious　that　a　moment’s　mutiny　had　already　rendered　me　liable　to　strange　penalties；　and；　like　any　other　rebel　slave；　I　felt　resolved；　in　my　desperation；　to　go　all　lengths。
“Hold　her　arms；　Miss　Abbot：　she’s　like　a　mad　cat。”
“For　shame！　for　shame！”　cried　the　lady’s…maid。　“What　shocking　conduct；　Miss　Eyre；　to　strike　a　young　gentleman；　your　benefactress’s　son！　Your　young　master。”
“Master！　How　is　he　my　master？　Am　I　a　servant？”
“No；　you　are　less　than　a　servant；　for　you　do　nothing　for　your　keep。　There；　sit　down；　and　think　over　your　wickedness。”
They　had　got　me　by　this　time　into　the　apartment　indicated　by　Mrs。　Reed；　and　had　thrust　me　upon　a　stool：　my　impulse　was　to　rise　from　it　like　a　spring；　their　two　pair　of　hands　arrested　me　instantly。
“If　you　don’t　sit　still；　you　must　be　tied　down；”　said　Bessie。　“Miss　Abbot；　lend　me　your　garters；　she　would　break　mine　directly。”
Miss　Abbot　turned　to　divest　a　stout　leg　of　the　necessary　ligature。　This　preparation　for　bonds；　and　the　additional　ignominy　it　inferred；　took　a　little　of　the　excitement　out　of　me。
“Don’t　take　them　off；”　I　cried；　“I　will　not　stir。”
In　guarantee　whereof；　I　attached　myself　to　my　seat　by　my　hands。
“Mind　you　don’t；”　said　Bessie；　and　when　she　had　ascertained　that　I　was　really　subsiding；　she　loosened　her　hold　of　me；　then　she　and　Miss　Abbot　stood　with　folded　arms；　looking　darkly　and　doubtfully　on　my　face；　as　incredulous　of　my　sanity。
“She　never　did　so　before；”　at　last　said　Bessie；　turning　to　the　Abigail。
“But　it　was　always　in　her；”　was　the　reply。　“I’ve　told　Missis　often　my　opinion　about　the　child；　and　Missis　agreed　with　me。　She’s　an　underhand　little　thing：　I　never　saw　a　girl　of　her　age　with　so　much　cover。”
Bessie　answered　not；　but　ere　long；　addressing　me；　she　said—“You　ought　to　be　aware；　Miss；　that　you　are　under　obligations　to　Mrs。　Reed：　she　keeps　you：　if　she　were　to　turn　you　off；　you　would　have　to　go　to　the　poorhouse。”
I　had　nothing　to　say　to　these　words：　they　were　not　new　to　me：　my　very　first　recollections　of　existence　included　hints　of　the　same　kind。　This　reproach　of　my　dependence　had　bee　a　vague　sing…song　in　my　ear：　very　painful　and　crushing；　but　only　half　intelligible。　Miss　Abbot　joined　in—
“And　you　ought　not　to　think　yourself　on　an　equality　with　the　Misses　Reed　and　Master　Reed；　because　Missis　kindly　allows　you　to　be　brought　up　with　them。　They　will　have　a　great　deal　of　money；　and　you　will　have　none：　it　is　your　place　to　be　humble；　and　to　try　to　make　yourself　agreeable　to　them。”
“What　we　tell　you　is　for　your　good；”　added　Bessie；　in　no　harsh　voice；　“you　should　try　to　be　useful　and　pleasant；　then；　perhaps；　you　would　have　a　home　here；　but　if　you　bee　passionate　and　rude；　Missis　will　send　you　away；　I　am　sure。”
“Besides；”　said　Miss　Abbot；　“God　will　punish　her：　He　might　strike　her　dead　in　the　midst　of　her　tantrums；　and　then　where　would　she　go？　e；　Bessie；　we　will　leave　her：　I　wouldn’t　have　her　heart　for　anything。　Say　your　prayers；　Miss　Eyre；　when　you　are　by　yourself；　for　if　you　don’t　repent；　something　bad　might　be　permitted　to　e　down　the　chimney　and　fetch　you　away。”
They　went；　shutting　the　door；　and　locking　it　behind　them。
The　red…room　ber；　very　seldom　slept　in；　I　might　say　never；　indeed；　unless　when　a　chance　influx　of　visitors　at　Gateshead　Hall　rendered　it　necessary　to　turn　to　account　all　the　acmodation　it　contained：　yet　it　was　one　of　the　largest　and　stateliest　chambers　in　the　mansion。　A　bed　supported　on　massive　pillars　of　mahogany；　hung　with　curtains　of　deep　red　damask；　stood　out　like　a　tabernacle　in　the　centre；　the　two　large　windows；　with　their　blinds　always　drawn　down；　were　half　shrouded　in　festoons　and　falls　of　similar　drapery；　the　carpet　was　red；　the　table　at　the　foot　of　the　bed　was　covered　with　a　crimson　cloth；　the　walls　were　a　soft　fawn　colour　with　a　blush　of　pink　in　it；　the　wardrobe；　the　toilet…table；　the　chairs　were　of　darkly　polished　old　mahogany。　Out　of　these　deep　surrounding　shades　rose　high；　and　glared　white；　the　piled…up　mattresses　and　pillows　of　the　bed；　spread　with　a　snowy　Marseilles　counterpane。　Scarcely　less　prominent　was　an　ample　cushioned　easy…chair　near　the　head　of　the　bed；　also　white；　with　a　footstool　before　it；　and　looking；　as　I　thought；　like　a　pale　throne。
This　room　was　chill；　because　it　seldom　had　a　fire；　it　was　silent；　because　remote　from　the　nursery　and　kitchen；　solemn；　because　it　was　known　to　be　so　seldom　entered。　The　house…maid　alone　came　here　on　Saturdays；　to　wipe　from　the　mirrors　and　the　furniture　a　rs。　Reed　herself；　at　far　intervals；　visited　it　to　review　the　contents　of　a　certain　secret　drawer　in　the　wardrobe；　where　were　stored　divers　parchments；　her　jewel…casket；　and　a　miniature　of　her　deceased　husband；　and　in　those　last　words　lies　the　secret　of　the　red…room—the　spell　which　kept　it　so　lonely　in　spite　of　its　grandeur。
Mr。　Reed　had　been　dead　nine　years：　it　was　in　this　chamber　he　breathed　his　last；　here　he　lay　in　state；　hence　his　coffin　was　borne　by　the　undertaker’s　men；　and；　since　that　day；　a　sense　of　dreary　consecration　had　guarded　it　from　frequent　intrusion。
My　seat；　to　which　Bessie　and　the　bitter　Miss　Abbot　had　left　me　riveted；　was　a　low　ottoman　near　the　marble　chimney…piece；　the　bed　rose　before　me；　to　my　right　hand　there　was　the　high；　dark　wardrobe；　with　subdued；　broken　reflections　varying　the　gloss　of　its　panels；　to　my　left　were　the　muffled　windows；　a　great　looking…glass　between　them　repeated　the　vacant　majesty　of　the　bed　and　room。　I　was　not　quite　sure　whether　they　had　locked　the　door；　and　when　I　dared　move；　I　got　up　and　went　to　see。　Alas！　yes：　no　jail　was　ever　more　secure。　Returning；　I　had　to　cross　before　the　looking…glass；　my　fascinated　glance　involuntarily　explored　the　depth　it　revealed。　All　looked　colder　and　darker　in　that　visionary　hollow　than　in　reality：　and　the　strange　little　figure　there　gazing　at　me；　with　a　white　face　and　arms　specking　the　gloom；　and　glittering　eyes　of　fear　moving　where　all　else　was　still；　had　the　effect　of　a　real　spirit：　I　thought　it　like　one　of　the　tiny　phantoms；　half　fairy；　half　imp；　Bessie’s　evening　stories　represented　as　ing　out　of　lone；　ferny　dells　in　moors；　and　appearing　before　the　eyes　of　belated　travellers。　I　returned　to　my　stool。
Superstition　was　with　me　at　that　moment；　but　it　was　not　yet　her　hour　for　plete　victory：　my　blood　was　still　warm；　the　mood　of　the　revolted　slave　was　still　bracing　me　with　its　bitter　vigour；　I　had　to　stem　a　rapid　rush　of　retrospective　thought　before　I　quailed　to　the　dismal　present。
All　John　Reed’s　violent　tyrannies；　all　his　sisters’　proud　indifference；　all　his　mother’s　aversion；　all　the　servants’　partiality；　turned　up　in　my　disturbed　mind　like　a　dark　deposit　in　a　turbid　well。　Why　was　I　always　suffering；　always　browbeaten；　always　accused；　for　ever　condemned？　Why　could　I　never　please？　Why　was　it　useless　to　try　to　win　any　one’s　favour？　Eliza；　who　was　headstrong　and　selfish；　was　respected。　Georgiana；　who　had　a　spoiled　temper；　a　very　acrid　spite；　a　captious　and　insolent　carriage；　was　universally　indulged。　Her　beauty；　her　pink　cheeks　and　golden　curls；　seemed　to　give　delight　to　all　who　looked　at　her；　and　to　purchase　indemnity　for　every　fault。　John　no　one　thwarted；　much　less　punished；　though　he　twisted　the　necks　of　the　pigeons；　killed　the　little　pea…chicks；　set　the　dogs　at　the　sheep；　stripped　the　hothouse　vines　of　their　fruit；　and　broke　the　buds　off　the　choicest　plants　in　the　conservatory：　he　called　his　mother　“old　girl；”　too；　sometimes　reviled　her　for　her　dark　skin；　similar　to　his　own；　bluntly　disregarded　her　wishes；　not　unfrequently　tore　and　spoiled　her　silk　attire；　and　he　was　still　“her　own　darling。”　I　dared　mit　no　fault：　I　strove　to　fulfil　every　duty；　and　I　was　termed　naughty　and　tiresome；　sullen　and　sneaking；　from　morning　to　noon；　and　from　noon　to　night。
My　head　still　ached　and　bled　with　the　blow　and　fall　I　had　received：　no　one　had　reproved　John　for　wantonly　striking　me；　and　because　I　had　turned　against　him　to　avert　farther　irrational　violence；　I　was　loaded　with　general　opprobrium。
“Unjust！—unjust！”　said　my　reason；　forced　by　the　agonising　stimulus　into　precocious　though　transitory　power：　and　Resolve；　equally　wrought　up；　instigated　some　strange　expedient　to　achieve　escape　from　insupportable　oppression—as　running　away；　or；　if　that　could　not　be　effected；　never　eating　or　drinking　more；　and　letting　myself　die。
What　a　consternation　of　soul　was　mine　that　dreary　afternoon！　How　all　my　brain　was　in　tumult；　and　all　my　heart　in　insurrection！　Yet　in　what　darkness；　what　dense　ignorance；　was　the　mental　battle　fought！　I　could　not　answer　the　ceaseless　inward　question—why　I　thus　suffered；　now；　at　the　distance　of—I　will　not　say　how　many　years；　I　see　it　clearly。
I　was　a　discord　in　Gateshead　Hall：　I　was　like　nobody　there；　I　had　nothing　in　harmony　with　Mrs。　Reed　or　her　children；　or　her　chosen　vassalage。　If　they　did　not　love　me；　in　fact；　as　little　did　I　love　them。　They　were　not　bound　to　regard　with　affection　a　thing　that　could　not　sympathise　with　one　amongst　them；　a　heterogeneous　thing；　opposed　to　them　in　temperament；　in　capacity；　in　propensities；　a　useless　thing；　incapable　of　serving　their　interest；　or　adding　to　their　pleasure；　a　noxious　thing；　cherishing　the　germs　of　indignation　at　their　treatment；　of　contempt　of　their　judgment。　I　know　that　had　I　been　a　sanguine；　brilliant；　careless；　exacting；　handsome；　romping　child—though　equally　dependent　and　friendless—Mrs。　Reed　would　have　endured　my　presence　more　placently；　her　children　would　have　entertained　for　me　more　of　the　cordiality　of　fellow…feeling；　the　servants　would　have　been　less　prone　to　make　me　the　scapegoat　of　the　nursery。
Daylight　began　to　forsake　the　red…room；　it　was　past　four　o’clock；　and　the　beclouded　afternoon　was　tending　to　drear　twilight。　I　heard　the　rain　still　beating　continuously　on　the　staircase　window；　and　the　wind　howling　in　the　grove　behind　the　hall；　I　grew　by　degrees　cold　as　a　stone；　and　then　my　courage　sank。　My　habitual　mood　of　humiliation；　self…doubt；　forlorn　depression；　fell　damp　on　the　embers　of　my　decaying　ire。　All　said　I　was　wicked；　and　perhaps　I　might　be　so；　what　thought　had　I　been　but　just　conceiving　of　starving　myself　to　death？　That　certainly　was　a　crime：　and　was　I　fit　to　die？　Or　was　the　vault　under　the　chancel　of　Gateshead　Church　an　inviting　bourne？　In　such　vault　I　had　been　told　did　Mr。　Reed　lie　buried；　and　led　by　this　thought　to　recall　his　idea；　I　dwelt　on　it　with　gathering　dread。　I　could　not　remember　him；　but　I　knew　that　he　was　my　own　uncle—my　mother’s　brother—that　he　had　taken　me　when　a　parentless　infant　to　his　house；　and　that　in　his　last　moments　he　had　required　a　promise　of　Mrs。　Reed　that　she　would　rear　and　maintain　me　as　one　of　her　own　children。　Mrs。　Reed　probably　considered　she　had　kept　this　promise；　and　so　she　had；　I　dare　say；　as　well　as　her　nature　would　permit　her；　but　how　could　she　really　like　an　interloper　not　of　her　race；　and　unconnected　with　her；　after　her　husband’s　death；　by　any　tie？　It　must　have　been　most　irksome　to　find　herself　bound　by　a　hard…wrung　pledge　to　stand　in　the　stead　of　a　parent　to　a　strange　child　she　could　not　love；　and　to　see　an　uncongenial　alien　permanently　intruded　on　her　own　family　group。
A　singular　notion　dawned　upon　me。　I　doubted　not—never　doubted—　that　if　Mr。　Reed　had　been　alive　he　would　have　treated　me　kindly；　and　now；　as　I　sat　looking　at　the　white　bed　and　overshadowed　walls—　occasionally　also　turning　a　fascinated　eye　towards　the　dimly　gleaning　mirror—I　began　to　recall　what　I　had　heard　of　dead　men；　troubled　in　their　graves　by　the　violation　of　their　last　wishes；　revisiting　the　earth　to　punish　the　perjured　and　avenge　the　oppressed；　and　I　thought　Mr。　Reed’s　spirit；　harassed　by　the　wrongs　of　his　sister’s　child；　might　quit　its　abode—whether　in　the　church　vault　or　in　the　unknown　world　of　the　departed—and　rise　before　me　in　this　chamber。　I　wiped　my　tears　and　hushed　my　sobs；　fearful　lest　any　sign　of　violent　grief　might　waken　a　preternatural　voice　to　fort　me；　or　elicit　from　the　gloom　some　haloed　face；　bending　over　me　with　strange　pity。　This　idea；　consolatory　in　theory；　I　felt　would　be　terrible　if　realised：　with　all　my　might　I　end