简爱(英文版)-第53部分

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hers—that　the　eloquence　to　which　I　had　been　listening　had　sprung　from　a　depth　where　lay　turbid　dregs　of　disappointment—where　moved　troubling　impulses　of　insatiate　yearnings　and　disquieting　aspirations。　I　was　sure　St。　John　Rivers—　pure…lived；　conscientious；　zealous　as　he　was—had　not　yet　found　that　peace　of　God　which　passeth　all　understanding：　he　had　no　more　found　it；　I　thought；　than　had　I　with　my　concealed　and　racking　regrets　for　my　broken　idol　and　lost　elysium—regrets　to　which　I　have　latterly　avoided　referring；　but　which　possessed　me　and　tyrannised　over　me　ruthlessly。
Meantime　a　month　was　gone。　Diana　and　Mary　were　soon　to　leave　Moor　House；　and　return　to　the　far　different　life　and　scene　which　awaited　them；　as　governesses　in　a　large；　fashionable；　south…of…England　city；　where　each　held　a　situation　in　families　by　whose　wealthy　and　haughty　members　they　were　regarded　only　as　humble　dependants；　and　who　neither　knew　nor　sought　out　their　innate　excellences；　and　appreciated　only　their　acquired　acplishments　as　they　appreciated　the　skill　of　their　cook　or　the　taste　of　their　waiting…woman。　Mr。　St。　John　had　said　nothing　to　me　yet　about　the　employment　he　had　promised　to　obtain　for　me；　yet　it　became　urgent　that　I　should　have　a　vocation　of　some　kind。　One　morning；　being　left　alone　with　him　a　few　minutes　in　the　parlour；　I　ventured　to　approach　the　window…recess—　which　his　table；　chair；　and　desk　consecrated　as　a　kind　of　study—and　I　was　going　to　speak；　though　not　very　well　knowing　in　what　words　to　frame　my　inquiry—for　it　is　at　all　times　difficult　to　break　the　ice　of　reserve　glassing　over　such　natures　as　his—when　he　saved　me　the　trouble　by　being　the　first　to　mence　a　dialogue。
Looking　up　as　I　dree？”　he　said。
“Yes；　I　wish　to　know　whether　you　have　heard　of　any　service　I　can　offer　myself　to　undertake？”
“I　found　or　devised　something　for　you　three　weeks　ago；　but　as　you　seemed　both　useful　and　happy　here—as　my　sisters　had　evidently　bee　attached　to　you；　and　your　society　gave　them　unusual　pleasure—I　deemed　it　inexpedient　to　break　in　on　your　mutual　fort　till　their　approaching　departure　from　Marsh　End　should　render　yours　necessary。”
“And　they　will　go　in　three　days　now？”　I　said。
“Yes；　and　when　they　go；　I　shall　return　to　the　parsonage　at　Morton：　Hannah　will　acpany　me；　and　this　old　house　will　be　shut　up。”
I　waited　a　few　moments；　expecting　he　would　go　on　with　the　subject　first　broached：　but　he　seemed　to　have　entered　another　train　of　reflection：　his　look　denoted　abstraction　from　me　and　my　business。　I　was　obliged　to　recall　him　to　a　theme　which　was　of　necessity　one　of　close　and　anxious　interest　to　me。
“What　is　the　employment　you　had　in　view；　Mr。　Rivers？　I　hope　this　delay　will　not　have　increased　the　difficulty　of　securing　it。”
“Oh；　no；　since　it　is　in　employment　which　depends　only　on　me　to　give；　and　you　to　accept。”
He　again　paused：　there　seemed　a　reluctance　to　continue。　I　grew　impatient：　a　restless　movement　or　two；　and　an　eager　and　exacting　glance　fastened　on　his　face；　conveyed　the　feeling　to　him　as　effectually　as　words　could　have　done；　and　with　less　trouble。
“You　need　be　in　no　hurry　to　hear；”　he　said：　“let　me　frankly　tell　you；　I　have　nothing　eligible　or　profitable　to　suggest。　Before　I　explain；　recall；　if　you　please；　my　notice；　clearly　given；　that　if　I　helped　you；　it　must　be　as　the　blind　man　would　help　the　lame。　I　am　poor；　for　I　find　that；　when　I　have　paid　my　father’s　debts；　all　the　patrimony　remaining　to　me　will　be　this　crumbling　grange；　the　row　of　scathed　firs　behind；　and　the　patch　of　moorish　soil；　with　the　yew…　trees　and　holly…bushes　in　front。　I　am　obscure：　Rivers　is　an　old　name；　but　of　the　three　sole　descendants　of　the　race；　two　earn　the　dependant’s　crust　among　strangers；　and　the　third　considers　himself　an　alien　from　his　native　country—not　only　for　life；　but　in　death。　Yes；　and　deems；　and　is　bound　to　deem；　himself　honoured　by　the　lot；　and　aspires　but　after　the　day　when　the　cross　of　separation　from　fleshly　ties　shall　be　laid　on　his　shoulders；　and　when　the　Head　of　that　church…militant　of　whose　humblest　members　he　is　one；　shall　give　the　word；　‘Rise；　follow　Me！’”
St。　John　said　these　words　as　he　pronounced　his　sermons；　with　a　quiet；　deep　voice；　with　an　unflushed　cheek；　and　a　coruscating　radiance　of　glance。　He　resumed—
“And　since　I　am　myself　poor　and　obscure；　I　can　offer　you　but　a　service　of　poverty　and　obscurity。　You　may　even　think　it　degrading—　for　I　see　now　your　habits　have　been　what　the　world　calls　refined：　your　tastes　lean　to　the　ideal；　and　your　society　has　at　least　been　amongst　the　educated；　but　I　consider　that　no　service　degrades　which　can　better　our　race。　I　hold　that　the　more　arid　and　unreclaimed　the　soil　where　the　Christian　labourer’s　task　of　tillage　is　appointed　him—the　scantier　the　meed　his　toil　brings—the　higher　the　honour。　His；　under　such　circumstances；　is　the　destiny　of　the　pioneer；　and　the　first　pioneers　of　the　Gospel　were　the　Apostles—their　captain　was　Jesus；　the　Redeemer；　Himself。”
“Well？”　I　said；　as　he　again　paused—“proceed。”
He　looked　at　me　before　he　proceeded：　indeed；　he　seemed　leisurely　to　read　my　face；　as　if　its　features　and　lines　were　characters　on　a　page。　The　conclusions　drawn　from　this　scrutiny　he　partially　expressed　in　his　succeeding　observations。
“I　believe　you　will　accept　the　post　I　offer　you；”　said　he；　“and　hold　it　for　a　while：　not　permanently；　though：　any　more　than　I　could　permanently　keep　the　narrow　and　narrowing—the　tranquil；　hidden　office　of　English　country　incumbent；　for　in　your　nature　is　an　alloy　as　detrimental　to　repose　as　that　in　mine；　though　of　a　different　kind。”
“Do　explain；”　I　urged；　when　he　halted　once　more。
“I　will；　and　you　shall　hear　how　poor　the　proposal　is；—how　trivial—　how　cramping。　I　shall　not　stay　long　at　Morton；　now　that　my　father　is　dead；　and　that　I　am　my　own　master。　I　shall　leave　the　place　probably　in　the　course　of　a　twelve…month；　but　while　I　do　stay；　I　will　exert　myself　to　the　utmost　for　its　improvement。　Morton；　when　I　came　to　it　two　years　ago；　had　no　school：　the　children　of　the　poor　were　excluded　from　every　hope　of　progress。　I　established　one　for　boys：　I　mean　now　to　open　a　second　school　for　girls。　I　have　hired　a　building　for　the　purpose；　with　a　cottage　of　two　rooms　attached　to　it　for　the　mistress’s　house。　Her　salary　will　be　thirty　pounds　a　year：　her　house　is　already　furnished；　very　simply；　but　sufficiently；　by　the　kindness　of　a　lady；　Miss　Oliver；　the　only　daughter　of　the　sole　rich　man　in　my　parish—Mr。　Oliver；　the　proprietor　of　a　needle…　factory　and　iron…foundry　in　the　valley。　The　same　lady　pays　for　the　education　and　clothing　of　an　orphan　from　the　workhouse；　on　condition　that　she　shall　aid　the　mistress　in　such　menial　offices　connected　with　her　own　house　and　the　school　as　her　occupation　of　teaching　will　prevent　her　having　time　to　discharge　in　person。　Will　you　be　this　mistress？”
He　put　the　question　rather　hurriedly；　he　seemed　half　to　expect　an　indignant；　or　at　least　a　disdainful　rejection　of　the　offer：　not　knowing　all　my　thoughts　and　feelings；　though　guessing　some；　he　could　not　tell　in　what　light　the　lot　would　appear　to　me。　In　truth　it　was　humble—but　then　it　was　sheltered；　and　I　wanted　a　safe　asylum：　it　was　plodding—but　then；　pared　with　that　of　a　governess　in　a　rich　house；　it　was　independent；　and　the　fear　of　servitude　with　strangers　entered　my　soul　like　iron：　it　was　not　ignoble—not　unworthy—not　mentally　degrading；　I　made　my　decision。
“I　thank　you　for　the　proposal；　Mr。　Rivers；　and　I　accept　it　with　all　my　heart。”
“But　you　prehend　me？”　he　said。　“It　is　a　village　school：　your　scholars　will　be　only　poor　girls—cottagers’　children—at　the　best；　farmers’　daughters。　Knitting；　sewing；　reading；　writing；　ciphering；　will　be　all　you　will　have　to　teach。　What　will　you　do　with　your　acplishments？　What；　with　the　largest　portion　of　your　mind—　sentiments—tastes？”
“Save　them　till　they　are　wanted。　They　will　keep。”
“You　know　what　you　undertake；　then？”
“I　do。”
He　now　smiled：　and　not　a　bitter　or　a　sad　smile；　but　one　well　pleased　and　deeply　gratified。
“And　when　will　you　mence　the　exercise　of　your　function？”
“I　will　go　to　my　house　to…morrow；　and　open　the　school；　if　you　like；　next　week。”
“Very　well：　so　be　it。”
He　rose　and　walked　through　the　room。　Standing　still；　he　again　looked　at　me。　He　shook　his　head。
“What　do　you　disapprove　of；　Mr。　Rivers？”　I　asked。
“You　will　not　stay　at　Morton　long：　no；　no！”
“Why？　What　is　your　reason　for　saying　so？”
“I　read　it　in　your　eye；　it　is　not　of　that　description　which　promises　the　maintenance　of　an　even　tenor　in　life。”
“I　am　not　ambitious。”
He　started　at　the　word　“ambitious。”　He　repeated；　“No。　What　made　you　think　of　ambition？　Who　is　ambitious？　I　know　I　am：　but　how　did　you　find　it　out？”
“I　was　speaking　of　myself。”
“Well；　if　you　are　not　ambitious；　you　are—”　He　paused。
“What？”
“I　was　going　to　say；　impassioned：　but　perhaps　you　would　have　misunderstood　the　word；　and　been　displeased。　I　mean；　that　human　affections　and　sympathies　have　a　most　powerful　hold　on　you。　I　am　sure　you　cannot　long　be　content　to　pass　your　leisure　in　solitude；　and　to　devote　your　working　hours　to　a　monotonous　labour　wholly　void　of　stimulus：　any　more　than　I　can　be　content；”　he　added；　with　emphasis；　“to　live　here　buried　in　morass；　pent　in　with　mountains—my　nature；　that　God　gave　me；　contravened；　my　faculties；　heaven…　bestowed；　paralysed—made　useless。　You　hear　now　how　I　contradict　myself。　I；　who　preached　contentment　with　a　humble　lot；　and　justified　the　vocation　even　of　hewers　of　wood　and　drawers　of　water　in　God’s　service—I；　His　ordained　minister；　almost　rave　in　my　restlessness。　Well；　propensities　and　principles　must　be　reconciled　by　some　means。”
He　left　the　room。　In　this　brief　hour　I　had　learnt　more　of　him　than　in　the　whole　previous　month：　yet　still　he　puzzled　me。
Diana　and　Mary　Rivers　became　more　sad　and　silent　as　the　day　approached　for　leaving　their　brother　and　their　home。　They　both　tried　to　appear　as　usual；　bat　the　sorrow　they　had　to　struggle　against　was　one　that　could　not　be　entirely　conquered　or　concealed。　Diana　intimated　that　this　would　be　a　different　parting　from　any　they　had　ever　yet　known。　It　would　probably；　as　far　as　St。　John　was　concerned；　be　a　parting　for　years：　it　might　be　a　parting　for　life。
“He　will　sacrifice　all　to　his　long…framed　resolves；”　she　said：　“natural　affection　and　feelings　more　potent　still。　St。　John　looks　quiet；　Jane；　but　he　hides　a　fever　in　his　vitals。　You　would　think　him　gentle；　yet　in　some　things　he　is　inexorable　as　death；　and　the　worst　of　it　is；　my　conscience　will　hardly　permit　me　to　dissuade　him　from　his　severe　decision：　certainly；　I　cannot　for　a　moment　blame　him　for　it。　It　is　right；　noble；　Christian：　yet　it　breaks　my　heart！”　And　the　tears　gushed　to　her　fine　eyes。　Mary　bent　her　head　low　over　her　work。
“We　are　now　without　father：　we　shall　soon　be　without　home　and　brother；”　she　murmured；
At　that　moment　a　little　accident　supervened；　which　seemed　decreed　by　fate　purposely　to　prove　the　truth　of　the　adage；　that　“misfortunes　never　e　singly；”　and　to　add　to　their　distresses　the　vexing　one　of　the　slip　between　the　cup　and　the　lip。　St。　John　passed　the　window　reading　a　letter。　He　entered。
“Our　uncle　John　is　dead；”　said　he。
Both　the　sisters　seemed　struck：　not　shocked　or　appalled；　the　tidings　appeared　in　their　eyes　rather　momentous　than　afflicting。
“Dead？”　repeated　Diana。
“Yes。”
She　riveted　a　searching　gaze　on　her　brother’s　face。　“And　what　then？”　she　demanded；　in　a　low　voice。
“What　then；　Die？”　he　replied；　maintaining　a　marble　immobility　of　feature。　“What　then？　Why—nothing。　Read。”
He　threw　the　letter　into　her　lap。　She　glanced　over　it；　and　handed　it　to　Mary。　Mary　perused　it　in　silence；　and　returned　it　to　her　brother。　All　three　looked　at　each　other；　and　all　three　smiled—a　dreary；　pensive　smile　enough。
“Amen！　We　can　yet　live；”　said　Diana　at　last。
“At　any　rate；　it　makes　us　no　worse　off　than　we　were　before；”　remarked　Mary。
“Only　it　forces　rather　strongly　on　the　mind　the　picture　of　what　might　have　been；”　said　Mr。　Rivers；　“and　contrasts　it　somewhat　too　vividly　with　what　IS。”
He　folded　the　letter；　locked　it　in　his　desk；　and　again　went　out。
For　some　minutes　no　one　spoke。　Diana　then　turned　to　me。
“Jane；　you　will　wonder　at　us　and　our　mysteries；”　she　said；　“and　think　us　hard…hearted　beings　not　to　be　more　moved　at　the　death　of　so　near　a　relation　as　an　uncle；　but　we　have　never　seen　him　or　known　him。　He　was　my　mother’s　brother。　My　father　and　he　quarrelled　long　ago。　It　was　by　his　advice　that　my　father　risked　most　of　his　property　in　the　speculation　that　ruined　him。　Mutual　recrimination　passed　between　them：　they　parted　in　anger；　and　were　never　reconciled。　My　uncle　engaged　afterwards　in　more　prosperous　undertakings：　it　appears　he　realised　a　fortune　of　twenty　thousand　pounds。　He　was　never　married；　and　had　no　near　kindred　but　ourselves　and　one　other　person；　not　more　closely　related　than　we。　My　father　always　cherished　the　idea　that　he　would　atone　for　his　error　by　leaving　his　possessions　to　us；　that　letter　informs　us　that　he　has　bequeathed　every　penny　to　the　other　relation；　with　the　exception　of　thirty　guineas；　to　be　divided　between　St。　John；　Diana；　and　Mary　Rivers；　for　the　purchase　of　three　mourning　rings。　He　had　a　right；　of　course；　to　do　as　he　pleased：　and　yet　a　momentary　damp　is　cast　on　the　spirits　by　the　receipt　of　such　news。　Mary　and　I　would　have　esteemed　ourselves　rich　with　a　thousand　pounds　each；　and　to　St。　John　such　a　sum　would　have　been　valuable；　for　the　good　it　would　have　enabled　him　to　do。”
This　explanation　given；　the　subject　was　dropped；　and　no　further　reference　made　to　it　by　either　Mr。　Rivers　or　his　sisters。　The　next　day　I　left　Marsh　End　for　Morton。　The　day　after；　Diana　and　Mary　quitted　it　for　distant　B…。　In　a　week；　Mr。　Rivers　and　Hannah　repaired　to　the　parsonage：　and　so　the　old　grange　was　abandoned。
Chapter　31
My　home；　then；　when　I　at　last　find　a　home；—is　a　cottage；　a　little　room　with　whitewashed　walls　and　a　sanded　floor；　containing　four　painted　chairs　and　a　table；　a　clock；　a　cupboard；　with　two　or　three　plates　and　dishes；　and　a　set　of　tea…things　in　delf。　Above；　a　chamber　of　the　same　dimensions　as　the　kitchen；　with　a　deal　bedstead　and　chest　of　drawers；　small；　yet　too　large　to　be　filled　with　my　scanty　wardrobe：　though　the　kindness　of　my　gentle　and　generous　friends　has　increased　that；　by　a　modest　stock　of　such　things　as　are　necessary。
It　is　evening。　I　have　dismissed；　with　the　fee　of　an　orange；　the　little　orphan　who　serves　me　as　a　handmaid。　I　am　sitting　alone　on　the　hearth。　This　morning；　the　village　school　opened。　I　had　twenty　scholars。　But　three　of　the　number　can　read：　none　write　or　cipher。　Several　knit；　and　a　few　sew　a　little。　They　speak　with　the　broadest　accent　of　the　district。　At　present；　they　and　I　have　a　difficulty　in　understanding　each　other’s　language。　Some　of　them　are　unmannered；　rough；　intractable；　as　well　as　ignorant；　but　others　are　docile；　have　a　wish　to　learn；　and　evince　a　disposition　that　pleases　me。　I　must　not　forget　that　these　coarsely…clad　little　peasants　are　of　flesh　and　blood　as　good　as　the　scions　of　gentlest　genealogy；　and　that　the　germs　of　native　excellence；　refinement；　intelligence；　kind　feeling；　are　as　likely　to　exist　in　their　hearts　as　in　those　of　the　best…born。　My　duty　will　be　to　develop　these　germs：　surely　I　shall　find　some　happiness　in　discharging　that　office。　Mu