new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第19部分

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He　chuckled　again；　as　a　flagpole　speared　another　man　into　a　concrete　wall。　
After　that；　I　really　watched　the　show；　laughing　with　him　as　the　mayhem　got　
more　and　more　ridiculous。　
How　was　I　ever　going　to　fight　the　blurring　lines　in　our　relationship　when　I　
enjoyed　being　with　him　so　
much？　
Both　Jacob　and　Mike　had　claimed　the　armrests　on　either　side　of　me。　Both　of　
their　hands　rested　lightly；　
palms　up；　in　an　unnatural　looking　position。　Like　steel　bear　traps；　open　and　
ready。　Jacob　was　in　the　habit　
of　taking　my　hand　whenever　the　opportunity　presented　itself；　but　here　in　the　
darkened　movie　theater；　with　
Mike　watching；　it　would　have　a　different　significance—and　I　was　sure　he　knew　
that。　I　couldn't　believe　
that　Mike　was　thinking　the　same　thing；　but　his　hand　was　placed　exactly　like　
Jacob's。　
I　folded　my　arms　tightly　across　my　chest　and　hoped　that　both　their　hands　fell　
asleep。　
Mike　gave　up　first。　About　halfway　through　the　movie；　he　pulled　his　arm　back；　
and　leaned　forward　to　put　
his　head　in　his　hands。　At　first　I　thought　he　was　reacting　to　something　on　the　
screen；　but　then　he　moaned。　
〃Mike；　are　you　okay？〃　I　whispered。　
The　couple　in　front　of　us　turned　to　look　at　him　as　he　groaned　again。　
I　could　see　the　sheen　of　sweat　across　his　face　in　the　light　from　the　screen。　
Mike　groaned　again；　and　bolted　for　the　door。　I　got　up　to　follow　him；　and　Jacob　
copied　me　immediately。　
〃No；　stay；〃　I　whispered。　〃I'll　make　sure　he's　okay。〃　
Jacob　came　with　me　anyway。　
〃You　don't　have　to　e。　Get　your　eight　bucks　worth　of　carnage；〃　I　insisted　as　
we　walked　up　the　aisle。　
〃That's　okay。　You　sure　can　pick　them；　Bella。　This　movie　really　sucks。〃　His　
voice　rose　from　a　whisper　to　
its　normal　pitch　as　we　walked　out　of　the　theater。　
There　was　no　sign　of　Mike　in　the　hallway；　and　I　was　glad　then　that　Jacob　had　
e　with　me—he　ducked　
into　the　men's　bathroom　to　check　for　him　there。　
Jacob　was　back　in　a　few　seconds。　
〃Oh；　he's　in　there；　all　right；〃　he　said；　rolling　his　eyes。　〃What　a　
marshmallow。　You　should　hold　out　for　
someone　with　a　stronger　stomach。　Someone　who　laughs　at　the　gore　that　makes　
weaker　men　vomit。〃　
〃I'll　keep　my　eyes　open　for　someone　like　that。〃　
We　were　all　alone　in　the　hallway。　Both　theaters　were　halfway　through　the　
movie；　and　it　was　
deserted—quiet　enough　for　us　to　hear　the　popcorn　popping　at　the　concession　
counter　in　the　lobby。　
Jacob　went　to　sit　on　the　velveteen…upholstered　bench　against　the　wall；　patting　
the　space　beside　him。　
〃He　sounded　like　he　was　going　to　be　in　there　for　a　while；〃　he　said；　stretching　
his　long　legs　out　in　front　of　
him　as　he　settled　in　to　wait。　
I　joined　him　with　a　sigh。　He　looked　like　he　was　thinking　about　blurring　more　
lines。　Sure　enough；　as　soon　
as　I　sat　down；　he　shifted　over　to　put　his　arm　around　my　shoulders。　
〃Jake；〃　I　protested；　leaning　away。　He　dropped　his　arm；　not　looking　bothered　at　
all　by　the　minor　rejection。　
He　reached　out　and　took　my　hand　firmly；　wrapping　his　other　hand　around　my　
wrist　when　I　tried　to　pull　
away　again。　Where　did　he　get　the　confidence　from？　
〃Now；　just　hold　on　a　minute；　Bella；〃　he　said　in　a　calm　voice。　〃Tell　me　
something。〃　
I　grimaced。　I　didn't　want　to　do　this。　Not　just　not　now；　but　not　ever。　There　
was　nothing　lett　in　my　life　at　
this　point　that　was　more　important　than　Jacob　Black。　But　he　seemed　determined　
to　ruin　everything。　
〃What？〃　I　muttered　sourly。　
〃You　like　me；　right？〃　
〃You　know　I　do。〃　
〃Better　than　that　joker　puking　his　guts　out　in　there？〃　He　gestured　toward　the　
bathroom　door。　
〃Yes；〃　I　sighed。　
〃Better　than　any　of　the　other　guys　you　know？〃　He　was　calm；　serene—as　if　my　
answer　didn't　matter；　or　
he　already　knew　what　it　was。　
〃Better　than　the　girls；　too；〃　I　pointed　out。　
〃But　that's　all；〃　he　said；　and　it　wasn't　a　question。　
It　was　hard　to　answer；　to　say　the　word。　Would　he　get　hurt　and　avoid　me？　How　
would　I　stand　that？　
〃Yes；〃　I　whispered。　
He　grinned　down　at　me。　〃That's　okay；　you　know。　As　long　as　you　like　me　the　
best。　And　you　think　I'm　
good…looking—sort　of。　I'm　prepared　to　be　annoyingly　persistent。〃　
〃I'm　not　going　to　change；〃　I　said；　and　though　I　tried　to　keep　my　voice　normal；　
I　could　hear　the　sadness　in　
it。　
His　face　was　thoughtful；　no　longer　teasing。　〃It's　still　the　other　one；　isn't　
it？〃　
I　cringed。　Funny　how　he　seemed　to　know　not　to　say　the　name—just　like　before　
in　the　car　with　the　music。　
He　picked　up　on　so　much　about　me　that　I　never　said。　
〃You　don't　have　to　talk　about　it；〃　he　told　me。　
I　nodded；　grateful。　
〃But　don't　get　mad　at　me　for　hanging　around；　okay？〃　Jacob　patted　the　back　of　
my　hand。　〃Because　I'm　
not　giving　up。　I've　got　loads　of　time。〃　
I　sighed。　〃You　shouldn't　waste　it　on　me；〃　I　said；　though　I　wanted　him　to。　
Especially　if　he　was　willing　to　
accept　me　the　way　I　was—damaged　goods；　as　is。　
〃It's　what　I　want　to　do；　as　long　as　you　still　like　to　be　with　me。〃　
〃I　can't　imagine　how　I　could　not　like　being　with　you；〃　I　told　him　honestly。　
Jacob　beamed。　〃I　can　live　with　that。〃　
〃Just　don't　expect　more；〃　I　warned　him；　trying　to　pull　my　hand　away。　He　held　
onto　it　obstinately。　
〃This　doesn't　really　bother　you；　does　it？〃　he　demanded；　squeezing　my　fingers。　
〃No；〃　I　sighed。　Truthfully；　it　felt　nice。　His　hand　was　so　much　warmer　than　
mine；　I　always　felt　too　cold　
these　days。　
〃And　you　don't　care　what　he　thinks。〃　Jacob　jerked　his　thumb　toward　the　
bathroom。　
〃I　guess　not。〃　
〃So　what's　the　problem？〃　
〃The　problem；〃　I　said；　〃is；　that　it　means　something　different　to　me　than　it　
does　to　you。〃　
〃Well。〃　He　tightened　his　hand　around　mine　〃That's　my　problem；　isn't　it？〃　
〃Fine；〃　I　grumbled。　〃Don't　forget　it；　though。〃　
〃I　won't。　The　pin's　out　of　the　grenade　for　me；　now；　eh？〃　He　poked　me　in　the　
ribs。　
I　rolled　my　eyes。　I　guess　if　he　felt　like　making　a　joke　out　of　it；　he　was　
entitled。　
He　chuckled　quietly　for　a　minute　while　his　pinky　finger　absently　traced　
designs　against　the　side　of　my　
hand。　
〃That's　a　funny　scar　you've　got　there；〃　he　suddenly　said；　twisting　my　hand　to　
examine　it。　〃How　did　that　
happen？〃　
The　index　finger　of　his　free　hand　followed　the　line　of　the　long　silvery　
crescent　that　was　barely　visible　
against　my　pale　skin。　
I　scowled。　〃Do　you　honestly　expect　me　to　remember　where　all　my　scars　e　
from？〃　
I　waited　for　the　memory　to　hit—to　open　the　gaping　hole。　But；　as　it　so　often　
did；　Jacob's　presence　kept　
me　whole。　
〃It's　cold；〃　he　murmured；　pressing　lightly　against　the　place　where　James　had　
cut　me　with　his　teeth。　
And　then　Mike　stumbled　out　of　the　bathroom；　his　face　ashen　and　covered　in　
sweat。　He　looked　horrible。　
〃Oh；　Mike；〃　I　gasped。　
〃Do　you　mind　leaving　early？〃　he　whispered。　
〃No；　of　course　not。〃　I　pulled　my　hand　free　and　went　to　help　Mike　walk。　He　
looked　unsteady。　
〃Movie　too　much　for　you？〃　Jacob　asked　heartlessly。　
Mike's　glare　was　malevolent。　〃I　didn't　actually　see　any　of　it；〃　he　mumbled。　〃I　
was　nauseated　before　the　
lights　went　down。〃　
〃Why　didn't　you　say　something？〃　I　scolded　as　we　staggered　toward　the　exit。　
〃I　was　hoping　it　would　pass；〃　he　said。　
〃Just　a　sec；〃　Jacob　said　as　we　reached　the　door。　He　walked　quickly　back　to　the　
concession　stand。　
〃Could　I　have　an　empty　popcorn　bucket？〃　he　asked　the　salesgirl。　She　looked　at　
Mike　once；　and　then　
thrust　a　bucket　at　Jacob。　
〃Get　him　outside；　please；〃　she　begged。　She　was　obviously　the　one　who　would　
have　to　clean　the　floor。　
I　towed　Mike　out　into　the　cool；　wet　air。　He　inhaled　deeply。　Jacob　was　right　
behind　us。　He　helped　me　get　
Mike　into　the　back　of　the　car；　and　handed　him　the　bucket　with　a　serious　gaze。　
〃Please；〃　was　all　Jacob　said。　
We　rolled　down　the　windows；　letting　the　icy　night　air　blow　through　the　car；　
hoping　it　would　help　Mike。　I　
curled　my　arms　around　my　legs　to　keep　warm。　
〃Cold；　again？〃　Jacob　asked；　putting　his　arm　around　me　before　I　could　answer。　
〃You're　not？〃　
He　shook　his　head。　
〃You　must　have　a　fever　or　something；〃　I　grumbled。　It　was　freezing。　I　touched　
my　fingers　to　his　forehead；　
and　his　head　was　hot。　
〃Whoa；　Jake—you're　burning　up！〃　
〃I　feel　fine。〃　He　shrugged。　〃Fit　as　a　fiddle。〃　
I　frowned　and　touched　his　head　again。　His　skin　blazed　under　my　fingers。　
〃Your　hands　are　like　ice；〃　he　plained。　
〃Maybe　it's　me；〃　I　allowed。　
Mike　groaned　in　the　backseat；　and　threw　up　in　the　bucket。　I　grimaced；　hoping　
my　own　stomach　could　
stand　the　sound　and　smell。　Jacob　checked　anxiously　over　his　shoulder　to　make　
sure　his　car　wasn't　
defiled。　
The　road　felt　longer　on　the　way　back。　
Jacob　was　quiet；　thoughtful。　He　left　his　arm　around　me；　and　it　was　so　warm　
that　the　cold　wind　felt　good。　
I　stared　out　the　windshield；　consumed　with　guilt。　
It　was　so　wrong　to　encourage　Jacob。　Pure　selfishness。　It　didn't　matter　that　
I'd　tried　to　make　my　position　
clear。　If　he　felt　any　hope　at　all　that　this　could　turn　into　something　other　
than　friendship；　then　I　hadn't　been　
clear　enough。　
How　could　I　explain　so　that　he　would　understand？　I　was　an　empty　shell。　Like　a　
vacant　
house—condemned—for　months　I'd　been　utterly　uninhabitable。　Now　I　was　a　
little　improved。　The　front　
room　was　in　better　repair。　But　that　was　all—just　the　one　small　piece。　He　
deserved　better　than　
that—better　than　a　one…room；　falling…down　fixer…upper。　No　amount　of　
investment　on　his　part　could　put　
me　back　in　working　order。　
Yet　I　knew　that　I　wouldn't　send　him　away；　regardless。　I　needed　him　too　much；　
and　I　was　selfish。　Maybe　
I　could　make　my　side　more　clear；　so　that　he　would　know　to　leave　me。　The　
thought　made　me　shudder；　
and　Jacob　tightened　his　arm　around　me。　
I　drove　Mike　home　in　his　Suburban；　while　Jacob　followed　behind　us　to　take　me　
home。　Jacob　was　quiet　
all　the　way　back　to　my　house；　and　I　wondered　if　he　were　thinking　the　same　
things　that　I　was。　Maybe　he　
was　changing　his　mind。　
〃I　would　invite　myself　in；　since　we're　early；〃　he　said　as　we　pulled　up　next　to　
my　truck。　〃But　I　think　you　
might　be　right　about　the　fever。　I'm　starting　to　feel　a　little　strange。〃　
〃Oh　no；　not　you；　too！　Do　you　want　me　to　drive　you　home？〃　
〃No。〃　He　shook　his　head；　his　eyebrows　pulling　together。　〃I　don't　feel　sick　
yet。　Just　wrong。　If　I　have　to；　
I'll　pull　over。〃　
〃Will　you　call　me　as　soon　as　you　get　in？〃　I　asked　anxiously。　
〃Sure；　sure。〃　He　frowned；　staring　ahead　into　the　darkness　and　biting　his　lip。　
I　opened　my　door　to　get　out；　but　he　grabbed　my　wrist　lightly　and　held　me　
there。　I　noticed　again　how　hot　
his　skin　felt　on　mine。　
〃What　is　it；　Jake？〃　I　asked。　
〃There's　something　I　want　to　tell　you；　Bella　but　I　think　it's　going　to　sound　
kind　of　corny。〃　
I　sighed。　This　would　be　more　of　the　same　from　the　theater。　〃Go　ahead。〃　
〃It's　just　that；　I　know　how　you're　unhappy　a　lot。　And；　maybe　it　doesn't　help　
anything；　but　I　wanted　you　to　
know　that　I'm　always　here。　I　won't　ever　let　you　down—I　promise　that　you　can　
always　count　on　me。　
Wow；　that　does　sound　corny。　But　you　know　that；　right？　That　I　would　never；　ever　
hurt　you？〃　
〃Yeah；　Jake。　I　know　that。　And　I　already　do　count　on　you；　probably　more　than　
you　know。〃　
The　smile　broke　across　his　face　the　way　the　sunrise　set　the　clouds　on　fire；　
and　I　wanted　to　cut　my　tongue　
out。　I　hadn't　said　one　word　that　was　a　lie；　but　I　should　have　lied。　The　truth　
was　wrong；　it　would　hurt　him。　
I　would　let　him　down。　
A　strange　look　crossed　his　face。　〃I　really　think　I'd　better　go　home　now；〃　he　
said。　
I　got　out　quickly。　
〃Call　me！〃　I　yelled　as　he　pulled　away。　
I　watched　him　go；　and　he　seemed　to　be　in　control　of　the　car；　at　least。　I　
stared　at　the　empty　street　when　he　
was　gone；　feeling　a　little　sick　myself；　but　not　for　any　physical　reason。　
How　much　I　wished　that　Jacob　Black　had　been　born　my　brother；　my　flesh…and　…
blood　brother；　so　that　I　
would　have　some　legitimate　claim　on　him　that　still　left　me　free　of　any　blame　
now。　Heaven　knows　I　had　
never　wanted　to　use　Jacob；　but　I　couldn't　help　but　interpret　the　guilt　I　felt　
now　to　mean　that　I　had。　
Even　more；　I　had　never　meant　to　love　him。　One　thing　I　truly　knew—knew　it　in　
the　pit　of　my　stomach；　in　
the　center　of　my　bones；　knew　it　from　the　crown　of　my　head　to　the　soles　of　my　
feet；　knew　it　deep　in　my　
empty　chest—was　how　love　gave　someone　the　power　to　break　you。　
I'd　been　broken　beyond　repair。　
But　I　needed　Jacob　now；　needed　him　like　a　drug。　I'd　used　him　as　a　crutch　for　
too　long；　and　I　was　in　
deeper　than　I'd　planned　to　go　with　anyone　again。　Now　I　couldn't　bear　for　him　
to　be　hurt；　and　I　couldn't　
keep　from　hurting　him；　either。　He　thought　time　and　patience　would　change　me；　
and；　though　I　knew　he　
was　dead　wrong；　I　also　knew　that　I　would　let　him　try。　
He　was　my　best　friend。　I　would　always　love　him；　and　it　would　never；　ever　be　
enough。　
I　went　inside　to　sit　by　the　phone　and　bite　my　nails。　
〃Movie　over　already？〃　Charlie　asked　in　surprise　when　I　came　in。　He　was　on　the　
floor；　just　a　foot　from　the　
TV。　Must　be　an　exciting　game。　
〃Mike　got　sick；〃　I　explained。　〃Some　kind　of　stomach　flu。〃　
〃You　okay？〃　
〃I　feel　fine　now；〃　I　said　doubtfully。　Clearly；　I'd　been　exposed。　
I　leaned　against　the　kitchen　counter；　my　hand　inches　from　the　phone；　and　tried　
to　wait　patiently。　I　thought　
of　the　strange　look　on　Jacob's　face　before　he　drove　away；　and　my　fingers　
started　drumming　against　the　
counter。　I　should　have　insisted　on　driving　him　home。　
I　watched　the　clock　as　the　minutes　ticked　by　Ten。　Fifteen。　Even　when　I　was　
driving；　it　took　only　fifteen　
minutes；　and　Jacob　drove　faster　than　I　did。　Eighteen　minutes。　I　picked　up　the　
phone　and　dialed。　
It　rang　and　rang。　Maybe　Billy　was　asleep。　Maybe　I'd　dialed　wrong。　I　tried　
again。　
On　the　eighth　ring；　just　as　I　was　about　to　hang　up；　Billy　answered。　
〃Hello？〃　he　asked。　His　voice　was　wary；　like　he　was　expecting　bad　news。　
〃Billy；　it's　me；　Bella—did　Jake　make　it　home　yet？　He　left　here　about　twenty　
minutes　ago。〃　
〃He's　here；〃　Billy　said　tonelessly。　
〃He　was　supposed　to　call　me。〃　I　was　a　little　irritated。　〃He　was　getting　sick　
when　he　left；　and　I　was　
worried。〃　
〃He　was　too　sick　to　call。　He's　not　feeling　well　right　now。〃　Billy　sounded　
distant。　I　realized　he　must　want　
to　be　with　Jacob。　
〃Let　me　know　if　you　need　any　help；〃　I　offered。　〃I　could　e　down。〃　I　thought　
of　Billy；　stuck　in　his　chair；　
and　Jake　fending　for　himself　
〃No；　no；〃　Billy　said　quickly。　〃We're　fine。　Stay　at　your　place。〃　
The　way　he　said　it　was　almost　rude。　
〃Okay；〃　I　agreed。　
〃Bye；　Bella。〃　
The　line　disconnected。　
〃Bye；〃　I　muttered。　
Well；　at　least　he'd　made　it　home。　Oddly；　I　didn't　feel　less　worried。　I　trudged　
up　the　stairs；　fretting。　Maybe　
I　would　go　down　before　work　tomorrow　to　check　on　him。　I　could　take　soup—we　
had　to　have　a　can　of　
Campbell's　around　here　somewhere。　
I　realized　all　such　plans　were　canceled　when　I　woke　up　early—my　clock　said　
four　thirty—and　sprinted　to　
the　bathroom。　Charlie　found　me　there　a　half　hour　later；　lying　on　the　floor；　my　
cheek　pressed　against　the　
cold　edge　of　the　bathtub。　
He　looked　at　me　for　a　long　moment。　
〃Stomach　flu；〃　he　finally　said。　
〃Yes；〃　I　moaned。　
〃You　need　something？〃　he　asked。　
〃Call　the　Newtons　for　me；　please；〃　I　instructed　hoarsely。　〃Tell　them　I　have　
what　Mike　has；　and　that　I　
can't　make　it　in　today。　Tell　them　I'm　sorry。〃　
〃Sure；　no　problem；〃　Charlie　assured　me。　
I　spent　the　rest　of　the　day　on　the　bathroom　floor；　sleeping　for　a　few　hours　
with　my　head　on　a　crumpled