1 twilight暮色-第43部分

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〃She　is；〃　I　agreed　wholeheartedly。　

She　glanced　over　her　shoulder　at　Edward；　lying　with　his　eyes　closed　in　
the　chair。　〃You　didn't　tell　me　you　had　such　good　friends　in　Forks。〃　

I　cringed；　and　then　moaned。　

〃What　hurts？〃　she　demanded　anxiously；　turning　back　to　me。　Edward's　eyes　
flashed　to　my　face。　

〃It's　fine；〃　I　assured　them。　〃I　just　have　to　remember　not　to　move。〃　He　
lapsed　back　into　his　phony　slumber。　

I　took　advantage　of　my　mother's　momentary　distraction　to　keep　the　subject　
from　returning　to　my　lessthancandid　behavior。　〃Where's　Phil？〃　I　asked　
quickly。　

〃Florida　—　oh；　Bella！　You'll　never　guess！　Just　when　we　were　about　to　
leave；　the　best　news！〃　

〃Phil　got　signed？〃　I　guessed。　

〃Yes！　How　did　you　guess！　The　Suns；　can　you　believe　it？〃　

〃That's　great；　Mom；〃　I　said　as　enthusiastically　as　I　could　manage；　though　
I　had　little　idea　what　that　meant。　

〃And　you'll　like　Jacksonville　so　much；〃　she　gushed　while　I　stared　at　her　
vacantly。　〃I　was　a　little　bit　worried　when　Phil　started　talking　about　
Akron；　what　with　the　snow　and　everything；　because　you　know　how　I　hate　the　
cold；　but　now　Jacksonville！　It's　always　sunny；　and　the　humidity　really　
isn't　that　bad。　We　found　the　cutest　house；　yellow；　with　white　trim；　and　a　
porch　just　like　in　an　old　movie；　and　this　huge　oak　tree；　and　it's　just　a　
few　minutes　from　the　ocean；　and　you'll　have　your　own　bathroom　—〃　

〃Wait；　Mom！〃　I　interrupted。　Edward　still　had　his　eyes　closed；　but　he　
looked　too　tense　to　pass　as　asleep。　〃What　are　you　talking　about？　I'm　not　
going　to　Florida。　I　live　in　Forks。〃　

〃But　you　don't　have　to　anymore；　silly；〃　she　laughed。　〃Phil　will　be　able　
to　be　around　so　much　more　now…　we've　talked　about　it　a　lot；　and　what　I'm　
going　to　do　is　trade　off　on　the　away　games；　half　the　time　with　you；　half　
the　time　with　him。〃　

〃Mom。〃　I　hesitated；　wondering　how　best　to　be　diplomatic　about　this。　〃I　
want　to　live　in　Forks。　I'm　already　settled　in　at　school；　and　I　have　a　
couple　of　girlfriends〃　—　she　glanced　toward　Edward　again　when　I　reminded　
her　of　friends；　so　I　tried　another　direction　—　〃and　Charlie　needs　me。　
He's　just　all　alone　up　there；　and　he　can't　cook　at　all。〃　

〃You　want　to　stay　in　Forks？〃　she　asked；　bewildered。　The　idea　was　
inconceivable　to　her。　And　then　her　eyes　flickered　back　toward　Edward。　
〃Why？〃　

〃I　told　you　—　school；　Charlie　—　ouch！〃　I'd　shrugged。　Not　a　good　idea。　

Her　hands　fluttered　helplessly　over　me；　trying　to　find　a　safe　place　to　
pat。　She　made　do　with　my　forehead；　it　was　unbandaged。　

〃Bella；　honey；　you　hate　Forks；〃　she　reminded　me。　

〃It's　not　so　bad。〃　

She　frowned　and　looked　back　and　forth　between　Edward　and　me；　this　time　
very　deliberately。　

〃Is　it　this　boy？〃　she　whispered。　

I　opened　my　mouth　to　lie；　but　her　eyes　were　scrutinizing　my　face；　and　I　
knew　she　would　see　through　that。　

〃He's　part　of　it；〃　I　admitted。　No　need　to　confess　how　big　a　part。　〃So；　
have　you　had　a　chance　to　talk　with　Edward？〃　I　asked。　

〃Yes。〃　She　hesitated；　looking　at　his　perfectly　still　form。　〃And　I　want　to　
talk　to　you　about　that。〃　

Uhoh。　〃What　about？〃　I　asked。　

〃I　think　that　boy　is　in　love　with　you；〃　she　accused；　keeping　her　voice　
low。　

〃I　think　so；　too；〃　I　confided。　

〃And　how　do　you　feel　about　him？〃　She　only　poorly　concealed　the　raging　
curiosity　in　her　voice。　

I　sighed；　looking　away。　As　much　as　I　loved　my　mom；　this　was　not　a　
conversation　I　wanted　to　have　with　her。　〃I'm　pretty　crazy　about　him。〃　
There　—　that　sounded　like　something　a　teenager　with　her　first　boyfriend　
might　say。　

〃Well；　he　seems　very　nice；　and；　my　goodness；　he's　incredibly　
goodlooking；　but　you're　so　young；　Bella…〃　Her　voice　was　unsure；　as　far　
as　I　could　remember；　this　was　the　first　time　since　I　was　eight　that　she'd　
e　close　to　trying　to　sound　like　a　parental　authority。　I　recognized　the　
reasonablebutfirm　tone　of　voice　from　talks　I'd　had　with　her　about　men。　

〃I　know　that；　Mom。　Don't　worry　about　it。　It's　just　a　crush；〃　I　soothed　
her。　

〃That's　right；〃　she　agreed；　easily　pleased。　

Then　she　sighed　and　glanced　guiltily　over　her　shoulder　at　the　big；　round　
clock　on　the　wall。　

〃Do　you　need　to　go？〃　

She　bit　her　lip。　〃Phil's　supposed　to　call　in　a　little　while…　I　didn't　
know　you　were　going　to　wake　up…〃　

〃No　problem；　Mom。〃　I　tried　to　tone　down　the　relief　so　she　wouldn't　get　
her　feelings　hurt。　〃I　won't　be　alone。〃　

〃I'll　be　back　soon。　I've　been　sleeping　here；　you　know；〃　she　announced；　
proud　of　herself。　

〃Oh；　Mom；　you　don't　have　to　do　that！　You　can　sleep　at　home　—　I'll　never　
notice。〃　The　swirl　of　painkillers　in　my　brain　was　making　it　hard　to　
concentrate　even　now；　though；　apparently；　I'd　been　sleeping　for　days。　

〃I　was　too　nervous；〃　she　admitted　sheepishly。　〃There's　been　some　crime　in　
the　neighborhood；　and　I　don't　like　being　there　alone。〃　

〃Crime？〃　I　asked　in　alarm。　

〃Someone　broke　into　that　dance　studio　around　the　corner　from　the　house　
and　burned　it　to　the　ground　—　there's　nothing　left　at　all！　And　they　left　
a　stolen　car　right　out　front。　Do　you　remember　when　you　used　to　dance　
there；　honey？〃　

〃I　remember。〃　I　shivered；　and　winced。　

〃I　can　stay；　baby；　if　you　need　me。〃　

〃No；　Mom；　I'll　be　fine。　Edward　will　be　with　me。〃　

She　looked　like　that　might　be　why　she　wanted　to　stay。　〃I'll　be　back　
tonight。〃　It　sounded　as　much　like　a　warning　as　it　sounded　like　a　promise；　
and　she　glanced　at　Edward　again　as　she　said　it。　

〃I　love　you；　Mom。〃　

〃I　love　you；　too；　Bella。　Try　to　be　more　careful　when　you　walk；　honey；　I　
don't　want　to　lose　you。〃　

Edward's　eyes　stayed　closed；　but　a　wide　grin　flashed　across　his　face。　

A　nurse　came　bustling　in　then　to　check　all　my　tubes　and　wires。　My　mother　
kissed　my　forehead；　patted　my　gauzewrapped　hand；　and　left。　

The　nurse　was　checking　the　paper　readout　on　my　heart　monitor。　

〃Are　you　feeling　anxious；　honey？　Your　heart　rate　got　a　little　high　there。〃　

〃I'm　fine；〃　I　assured　her。　

〃I'll　tell　your　RN　that　you're　awake。　She'll　be　in　to　see　you　in　a　
minute。〃　

As　soon　as　she　closed　the　door；　Edward　was　at　my　side。　

〃You　stole　a　car？〃　I　raised　my　eyebrows。　

He　smiled；　unrepentant。　〃It　was　a　good　car；　very　fast。〃　

〃How　was　your　nap？〃　I　asked。　

〃Interesting。〃　His　eyes　narrowed。　

〃What？〃　

He　looked　down　while　he　answered。　〃I'm　surprised。　I　thought　Florida…　and　
your　mother…　well；　I　thought　that's　what　you　would　want。〃　

I　stared　at　him　unprehendingly。　〃But　you'd　be　stuck　inside　all　day　in　
Florida。　You'd　only　be　able　to　e　out　at　night；　just　like　a　real　
vampire。〃　

He　almost　smiled；　but　not　quite。　And　then　his　face　was　grave。　〃I　would　
stay　in　Forks；　Bella。　Or　somewhere　like　it；〃　he　explained。　〃Someplace　
where　I　couldn't　hurt　you　anymore。〃　

It　didn't　sink　in　at　first。　I　continued　to　stare　at　him　blankly　as　the　
words　one　by　one　clicked　into　place　in　my　head　like　a　ghastly　puzzle。　I　
was　barely　conscious　of　the　sound　of　my　heart　accelerating；　though；　as　my　
breathing　became　hyperventilation；　I　was　aware　of　the　sharp　aching　in　my　
protesting　ribs。　

He　didn't　say　anything；　he　watched　my　face　warily　as　the　pain　that　had　
nothing　to　do　with　broken　bones；　pain　that　was　infinitely　worse；　
threatened　to　crush　me。　

And　then　another　nurse　walked　purposefully　into　the　room。　Edward　sat　
still　as　stone　as　she　took　in　my　expression　with　a　practiced　eye　before　
turning　to　the　monitors。　

〃Time　for　more　pain　meds；　sweetheart？〃　she　asked　kindly；　tapping　the　IV　
feed。　

〃No；　no；〃　I　mumbled；　trying　to　keep　the　agony　out　of　my　voice。　〃I　don't　
need　anything。〃　I　couldn't　afford　to　close　my　eyes　now。　

〃No　need　to　be　brave；　honey。　It's　better　if　you　don't　get　too　stressed　
out；　you　need　to　rest。〃　She　waited；　but　I　just　shook　my　head。　

〃Okay；〃　she　sighed。　〃Hit　the　call　button　when　you're　ready。〃　

She　gave　Edward　a　stern　look；　and　threw　one　more　anxious　glance　at　the　
machinery；　before　leaving。　

His　cool　hands　were　on　my　face；　I　stared　at　him　with　wild　eyes。　

〃Shhh；　Bella；　calm　down。〃　

〃Don't　leave　me；〃　I　begged　in　a　broken　voice。　

〃I　won't；〃　he　promised。　〃Now　relax　before　I　call　the　nurse　back　to　sedate　
you。〃　

But　my　heart　couldn't　slow。　

〃Bella。〃　He　stroked　my　face　anxiously。　〃I'm　not　going　anywhere。　I'll　be　
right　here　as　long　as　you　need　me。〃　

〃Do　you　swear　you　won't　leave　me？〃　I　whispered。　I　tried　to　control　the　
gasping；　at　least。　My　ribs　were　throbbing。　

He　put　his　hands　on　either　side　of　my　face　and　brought　his　face　close　to　
mine。　His　eyes　were　wide　and　serious。　〃I　swear。〃　

The　smell　of　his　breath　was　soothing。　It　seemed　to　ease　the　ache　of　my　
breathing。　He　continued　to　hold　my　gaze　while　my　body　slowly　relaxed　and　
the　beeping　returned　to　a　normal　pace。　His　eyes　were　dark；　closer　to　
black　than　gold　today。　

〃Better？〃　he　asked。　

〃Yes；〃　I　said　cautiously。　

He　shook　his　head　and　muttered　something　unintelligible。　I　thought　I　
picked　out　the　word　〃overreaction。〃　

〃Why　did　you　say　that？〃　I　whispered；　trying　to　keep　my　voice　from　
shaking。　〃Are　you　tired　of　having　to　save　me　all　the　time？　Do　you　want　me　
to　go　away？〃　

〃No；　I　don't　want　to　be　without　you；　Bella；　of　course　not。　Be　rational。　
And　I　have　no　problem　with　saving　you；　either　—　if　it　weren't　for　the　
fact　that　I　was　the　one　putting　you　in　danger…　that　I'm　the　reason　that　

you're　here。〃　

〃Yes；　you　are　the　reason。〃　I　frowned。　〃The　reason　I'm　here　—　alive。〃　

〃Barely。〃　His　voice　was　just　a　whisper。　〃Covered　in　gauze　and　plaster　and　
hardly　able　to　move。〃　

〃I　wasn't　referring　to　my　most　recent　neardeath　experience；〃　I　said；　
growing　irritated。　〃I　was　thinking　of　the　others　—　you　can　take　your　
pick。　If　it　weren't　for　you；　I　would　be　rotting　away　in　the　Forks　
cemetery。〃　

He　winced　at　my　words；　but　the　haunted　look　didn't　leave　his　eyes。　

〃That's　not　the　worst　part；　though；〃　he　continued　to　whisper。　He　acted　as　
if　I　hadn't　spoken。　〃Not　seeing　you　there　on　the　floor…　crumpled　and　
broken。〃　His　voice　was　choked。　〃Not　thinking　I　was　too　late。　Not　even　
hearing　you　scream　in　pain　—　all　those　unbearable　memories　that　I'll　
carry　with　me　for　the　rest　of　eternity。　No；　the　very　worst　was　feeling…　
knowing　that　I　couldn't　stop。　Believing　that　I　was　going　to　kill　you　
myself。〃　

〃But　you　didn't。〃　

〃I　could　have。　So　easily。〃　

I　knew　I　needed　to　stay　calm…　but　he　was　trying　to　talk　himself　into　
leaving　me；　and　the　panic　fluttered　in　my　lungs；　trying　to　get　out。　

〃Promise　me；〃　I　whispered。　

〃What？〃　

〃You　know　what。〃　I　was　starting　to　get　angry　now。　He　was　so　stubbornly　
determined　to　dwell　on　the　negative。　

He　heard　the　change　in　my　tone。　His　eyes　tightened。　〃I　don't　seem　to　be　
strong　enough　to　stay　away　from　you；　so　I　suppose　that　you'll　get　your　
way…　whether　it　kills　you　or　not；〃　he　added　roughly。　

〃Good。〃　He　hadn't　promised；　though　—　a　fact　that　I　had　not　missed。　The　
panic　was　only　barely　contained；　I　had　no　strength　left　to　control　the　
anger。　〃You　told　me　how　you　stopped…　now　I　want　to　know　why；〃　I　demanded。　

〃Why？〃　he　repeated　warily。　

〃Why　you　did　it。　Why　didn't　you　just　let　the　venom　spread？　By　now　I　would　
be　just　like　you。〃　

Edward's　eyes　seemed　to　turn　flat　black；　and　I　remembered　that　this　was　
something　he'd　never　intended　me　to　know。　Alice　must　have　been　
preoccupied　by　the　things　she'd　learned　about　herself…　or　she'd　been　very　
careful　with　her　thoughts　around　him　—　clearly；　he'd　had　no　idea　that　
she'd　filled　me　in　on　the　mechanics　of　vampire　conversions。　He　was　
surprised；　and　infuriated。　His　nostrils　flared；　his　mouth　looked　as　if　it　
was　chiseled　from　stone。　

He　wasn't　going　to　answer；　that　much　was　clear。　

〃I'll　be　the　first　to　admit　that　I　have　no　experience　with　
relationships；〃　I　said。　〃But　it　just　seems　logical…　a　man　and　woman　have　
to　be　somewhat　equal…　as　in；　one　of　them　can't　always　be　swooping　in　and　
saving　the　other　one。　They　have　to　save　each　other　equally。〃　

He　folded　his　arms　on　the　side　of　my　bed　and　rested　his　chin　on　his　arms。　
His　expression　was　smooth；　the　anger　reined　in。　Evidently　he'd　decided　he　
wasn't　angry　with　me。　I　hoped　I'd　get　a　chance　to　warn　Alice　before　he　
caught　up　with　her。　

〃You　have　saved　me；〃　he　said　quietly。　

〃I　can't　always　be　Lois　Lane；〃　I　insisted。　〃I　want　to　be　Superman；　too。〃　

〃You　don't　know　what　you're　asking。〃　His　voice　was　soft；　he　stared　
intently　at　the　edge　of　the　pillowcase。　

〃I　think　I　do。〃　

〃Bella；　you　don't　know。　I've　had　almost　niy　years　to　think　about　this；　
and　I'm　still　not　sure。〃　

〃Do　you　wish　that　Carlisle　hadn't　saved　you？〃　

〃No；　I　don't　wish　that。〃　He　paused　before　continuing。　〃But　my　life　was　
over。　I　wasn't　giving　anything　up。〃　

〃You　are　my　life。　You're　the　only　thing　it　would　hurt　me　to　lose。〃　I　was　
getting　better　at　this。　It　was　easy　to　admit　how　much　I　needed　him。　

He　was　very　calm；　though。　Decided。　

〃I　can't　do　it；　Bella。　I　won't　do　that　to　you。〃　

〃Why　not？〃　My　throat　rasped　and　the　words　weren't　as　loud　as　I'd　meant　
them　to　be。　〃Don't　tell　me　it's　too　hard！　After　today；　or　I　guess　it　was　
a　few　days　ago…　anyway；　after　that；　it　should　be　nothing。〃　

He　glared　at　me。　

〃And　the　pain？〃　he　asked。　

I　blanched。　I　couldn't　help　it。　But　I　tried　to　keep　my　expression　from　
showing　how　clearly　I　remembered　the　feeling…　the　fire　in　my　veins。　

〃That's　my　problem；〃　I　said。　〃I　can　handle　it。〃　

〃It's　possible　to　take　bravery　to　the　point　where　it　bees　insanity。〃　

〃It's　not　an　issue。　Three　days。　Big　deal。〃　

Edward　grimaced　again　as　my　words　reminded　him　that　I　was　more　informed　
than　he　had　ever　intended　me　to　be。　I　watched　him　repress　the　anger；　
watched　as　his　eyes　grew　speculative。　

〃Charlie？〃　he　asked　curtly。　〃Renée？〃　

Minutes　passed　in　silence　as　I　struggled　to　answer　his　question。　I　opened　
my　mouth；　but　no　sound　came　out。　I　closed　it　again。　He　waited；　and　his　
expression　became　triumphant　because　he　knew　I　had　no　true　answer。　

〃Look；　that's　not　an　issue　either；〃　I　finally　muttered；　my　voice　was　as　
unconvincing　as　it　always　was　when　I　lied。　〃Renée　has　always　made　the　
choices　that　work　for　her　—　she'd　want　me　to　do　the　same。　And　Charlie's　
resilient；　he's　used　to　being　on　his　own。　I　can't　take　care　of　them　
forever。　I　have　my　own　life　to　live。〃　

〃Exactly；〃　he　snapped。　〃And　I　won't　end　it　for　you。〃　

〃If　you're　waiting　for　me　to　be　on　my　deathbed；　I've　got　news　for　you！　I　
was　just　there！〃　

〃You're　going　to　recover；〃　he　reminded　me。　

I　took　a　deep　breath　to　calm　myself；　ignoring　the　spasm　of　pain　it　
triggered。　I　stared　at　him；　and　he　stared　back。　There　was　no　promise　
in　his　face。　

〃No；〃　I　said　slowly。　〃I'm　not。〃　

His　forehead　creased。　〃Of　course　you　are。　You　may　have　a　scar　or　two…〃　

〃You're　wrong；〃　I　insisted。　〃I'm　going　to　die。〃　

〃Really；　Bella。〃　He　was　anxious　now。　〃You'll　be　out　of　here　in　a　few　

days。　Two　week　at　most。〃　

I　glared　at　him。　〃I　may　not　die　now…　but　I'm　going　to　die　sometime。　Every　
minute　of　the　day；　I　get　closer。　And　I'm　going　to　get　old。〃　

He　frowned　as　what　I　was　saying　sunk　in；　pressing　his　long　fingers　to　his　
temples　and　closing　his　eyes。　〃That's　how　it's　supposed　to　happen。　How　it　
should　happen。　How　it　would　have　happened　if　I　didn't　exist　—　and　I　
shouldn't　exist。〃　

I　snort