new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第45部分

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was　I　gone；　anyway？〃　I　
tried　to　count　the　hours　in　my　head。　
〃Just　three　days。〃　His　eyes　tightened；　but　he　smiled　more　naturally　this　time。　
〃Actually；　I　was　hoping　you　
might　have　a　good　explanation。　I've　got　nothing。〃　
I　groaned。　〃Fabulous。〃　
〃Well；　maybe　Alice　will　e　up　with　something；〃　he　offered；　trying　to　fort　
me。　
And　I　was　forted。　Who　cared　what　I　had　to　deal　with　later？　Every　second　
that　he　was　here—so　
close；　his　flawless　face　glowing　in　the　dim　light　from　the　numbers　on　my　alarm　
clock—was　precious　and　
not　to　be　wasted。　
〃So；〃　I　began；　picking　the　least　important—though　still　vitally　interesting—
question　to　start　with。　I　was　
safely　delivered　home；　and　he　might　decide　to　leave　at　any　moment。　I　had　to　
keep　him　talking。　Besides；　
this　temporary　heaven　wasn't　entirely　plete　without　the　sound　of　his　voice。　
〃What　have　you　been　
doing；　up　until　three　days　ago？〃　
His　face　turned　wary　in　an　instant。　〃Nothing　terribly　exciting。〃　
〃Of　course　not；〃　I　mumbled。　
〃Why　are　you　making　that　face？〃　
〃Well〃　I　pursed　my　lips；　considering。　〃If　you　were；　after　all；　just　a　dream；　
that's　exactly　the　kind　of　thing　
you　would　say。　My　imagination　must　be　used　up。〃　
He　sighed。　〃If　I　tell　you；　will　you　finally　believe　that　you're　not　having　a　
nightmare？〃　
〃Nightmare！〃　I　repeated　scornfully。　He　waited　for　my　answer。　〃Maybe；〃　I　said　
after　a　second　of　thought。　
〃If　you　tell　me。〃　
〃I　was　hunting。〃　
〃Is　that　the　best　you　can　do？〃　I　criticized。　〃That　definitely　doesn't　prove　
I'm　awake。〃　
He　hesitated；　and　then　spoke　slowly；　choosing　his　words　with　care。　〃I　wasn't　
hunting　fot　food　I　was　
actually　trying　my　hand　at　tracking。　I'm　not　very　good　at　it。〃　
〃What　were　you　tracking？〃　I　asked；　intrigued。　
〃Nothing　of　consequence。〃　His　words　didn't　match　his　expression；　he　looked　
upset；　unfortable。　
〃I　don't　understand。〃　
He　hesitated；　his　face；　shining　with　an　odd　green　cast　from　the　light　of　the　
clock；　was　torn。　
〃I—〃　He　took　a　deep　breath。　〃I　owe　you　an　apology。　No；　of　course　I　owe　you　
much；　much　more　than　
that。　But　you　have　to　know；〃—the　words　began　to　flow　so　fast；　the　way　I　
remembered　he　spoke　
sometimes　when　he　was　agitated；　that　I　really　had　to　concentrate　to　catch　them　
all—〃that　I　had　no　idea。　I　
didn't　realize　the　mess　I　was　leaving　behind。　I　thought　it　was　safe　for　you　
here。　So　safe。　I　had　no　idea　that　
Victoria；〃—his　lips　curled　back　when　he　said　the　name—〃would　e　back。　I'll　
admit；　when　I　saw　her　
that　one　time；　I　was　paying　much　more　attention　to　James's　thoughts。　But　I　
just　didn't　see　that　she　had　this　
kind　of　response　in　her。　That　she　even　had　such　a　tie　to　him。　I　think　I　
realize　why　now—she　was　so　sure　
of　him；　the　thought　of　him　failing　never　occurred　to　her。　It　was　her　
overconfidence　that　clouded　her　
feelings　about　him—that　kept　me　from　seeing　the　depth　of　them；　the　bond　
there。　
〃Not　that　there's　any　excuse　for　what　I　left　you　to　face。　When　I　heard　what　
you　told　Alice—what　she　
saw　herself—when　I　realized　that　you　had　to　put　your　life　in　the　hands　of　
werewolves；　immature；　volatile；　
the　worst　thing　out　there　besides　Victoria　herself—he　shuddered　and　the　gush　
of　words　halted　for　a　short　
second。　〃Please　know　that　I　had　no　idea　of　any　of　this。　I　feel　sick；　sick　to　
my　core；　even　now；　when　I　can　
see　and　feel　you　safe　in　my　arms。　I　am　the　most　miserable　excuse　for—〃　
〃Stop；〃　I　interrupted　him。　He　stared　at　me　with　agonized　eyes；　and　I　tried　to　
find　the　right　words—the　
words　that　would　free　him　from　this　imagined　obligation　that　caused　him　so　
much　pain。　They　were　very　
hard　words　to　say。　I　didn't　know　if　I　could　get　them　out　without　breaking　
down。　But　I　had　to　try　to　do　it　
right。　I　didn't　want　to　be　a　source　of　guilt　and　anguish　in　his　life。　He　
should　be　happy；　no　matter　what　it　
cost　me。　
I'd　really　been　hoping　to　put　off　this　part　of　our　last　conversation。　It　was　
going　to　bring　things　to　an　end　so　
much　sooner。　
Drawing　on　all　my　months　of　practice　with　trying　to　be　normal　for　Charlie；　I　
kept　my　face　smooth。　
〃Edward；〃　I　said。　His　name　burned　my　throat　a　little　on　the　way　out。　I　could　
feel　the　ghost　of　the　hole；　
waiting　to　rip　itself　wide　again　as　soon　as　he　disappeared。　I　didn't　quite　see　
how　I　was　going　to　survive　it　
this　time。　〃This　has　to　stop　now。　You　can't　think　about　things　that　way。　You　
can't　let　this　this　guilt　
rule　your　life。　You　can't　take　responsibility　for　the　things　that　happen　to　me　
here。　None　of　it　is　your　fault；　
it's　just　part　of　how　life　is　for　me。　So；　if　I　trip　in　front　of　a　bus　or　
whatever　it　is　next　time；　you　have　to　
realize　that　it's　not　your　job　to　take　the　blame。　You　can't　just　go　running　
off　to　Italy　because　you　feel　bad　
that　you　didn't　save　me。　Even　if　I　had　jumped　off　that　cliff　to　die；　that　
would　have　been　my　choice；　and　
not　your　fault。　I　know　it's　your　your　nature　to　shoulder　the　blame　for　
everything；　but　you　really　can't　
let　that　make　you　go　to　such　extremes！　It's　very　irresponsible—think　of　Esme　
and　Carlisle　and—〃　
I　was　on　the　edge　of　losing　it。　I　stopped　to　take　a　deep　breath；　hoping　to　
calm　myself。　I　had　to　set　him　
free。　I　had　to　make　sure　this　never　happened　again。　
〃Isabella　Marie　Swan；〃　he　whispered；　the　strangest　expression　crossing　his　
face。　He　almost　looked　mad。　
〃Do　you　believe　that　I　asked　the　Volturi　to　kill　me　because　I　felt　guilty？〃　
I　could　feel　the　blank　inprehension　on　my　face。　〃Didn't　you？〃　
〃Feel　guilty？　Intensely　so。　More　than　you　can　prehend。〃　
〃Then　what　are　you　saying？　I　don't　understand。〃　
〃Bella；　I　went　to　the　Volturi　because　I　thought　you　were　dead；〃　he　said；　voice　
soft；　eyes　fierce。　〃Even　if　
I'd　had　no　hand　in　your　death〃—he　shuddered　as　he　whispered　the　last　
word—〃even　if　it　wasn't　my　
fault；　I　would　have　gone　to　Italy。　Obviously；　I　should　have　been　more　careful
—I　should　have　spoken　to　
Alice　directly；　rather　than　accepting　it　secondhand　from　Rosalie。　But；　really；　
what　was　I　supposed　to　
think　when　the　boy　said　Charlie　was　at　the　funeral？　What　are　the　odds？　
〃The　odds〃　he　muttered　then；　distracted。　His　voice　was　so　low　I　wasn't　sure　
I　beard　it　right。　〃The　odds　
are　always　stacked　against　us。　Mistake　after　mistake。　I'll　never　criticize　
Romeo　again。〃　
〃But　I　still　don't　understand；〃　I　said。　〃That's　my　whole　point。　So　what？〃　
〃Excuse　me？〃　
〃So　what　if　I　was　dead？〃　
He　stared　at　me　dubiously　for　a　long　moment　before　answering。　〃Don't　you　
remember　anything　I　told　you　
before？〃　
〃I　remember　everything　that　you　told　me。〃　Including　the　words　that　had　negated　
all　the　rest。　
He　brushed　the　tip　of　his　cool　finger　against　my　lower　lip。　〃Bella；　you　seem　
to　be　under　a　
misapprehension。〃　He　closed　his　eyes；　shaking　his　head　back　and　forth　with　
half　a　smile　on　his　beautiful　
face。　It　wasn't　a　happy　smile。　〃I　thought　I'd　explained　it　clearly　before。　
Bella；　I　can't　live　in　a　world　where　
you　don't　exist。〃　
〃I　am〃　My　head　swam　as　I　looked　for　the　appropriate　word。　〃Confused。〃　That　
worked。　I　couldn't　
make　sense　of　what　he　was　saying。　
He　stared　deep　into　my　eyes　with　his　sincere；　earnest　gaze。　〃I'm　a　good　liar；　
Bella；　I　have　to　be。〃　
I　froze；　my　muscles　locking　down　as　if　for　impact。　The　fault　line　in　my　chest　
rippled；　the　pain　of　it　took　my　
breath　away。　
He　shook　my　shoulder；　trying　to　loosen　my　rigid　pose。　〃Let　me　finish！　I'm　a　
good　liar；　but　still；　for　you　to　
believe　me　so　quickly。〃　He　winced。　〃That　was　excruciating。〃　
I　waited；　still　frozen。　
〃When　we　were　in　the　forest；　when　I　was　telling　you　goodbye—〃　
I　didn't　allow　myself　to　remember。　I　fought　to　keep　myself　in　the　present　
second　only。　
〃You　weren't　going　to　let　go；〃　he　whispered。　〃I　could　see　that。　I　didn't　want　
to　do　it—it　felt　like　it　would　
kill　me　to　do　it—but　I　knew　that　if　I　couldn't　convince　you　that　I　didn't　
love　you　anymore；　it　would　just　
take　you　that　much　longer　to　get　on　with　your　life。　I　hoped　that；　if　you　
thought　I'd　moved　on；　so　would　
you。〃　
〃A　clean　break；〃　I　whispered　through　unmoving　lips。　
〃Exactly。　But　I　never　imagined　it　would　be　so　easy　to　do！　I　thought　it　would　
be　next　to　impossible—that　
you　would　be　so　sure　of　the　truth　that　I　would　have　to　lie　through　my　teeth　
for　hours　to　even　plant　the　
seed　of　doubt　in　your　head。　I　lied；　and　I'm　so　sorry—sorry　because　I　hurt　
you；　sorry　because　it　was　a　
worthless　effort。　Sorry　that　I　couldn't　protect　you　from　what　I　an。　I　lied　to　
save　you；　and　it　didn't　work。　
I'm　sorry。　
〃But　how　could　you　believe　me？　After　all　the　thousand　times　I've　told　you　I　
love　you；　how　could　you　let　
one　word　break　your　faith　in　me？〃　
I　didn't　answer。　I　was　too　shocked　to　form　a　rational　response。　
〃I　could　see　it　in　your　eyes；　that　you　honestly　believed　that　I　didn't　want　
you　anymore。　The　most　absurd；　
ridiculous　concept—as　if　there　were　anu　way　that　I　could　exist　without　
needing　you！〃　
I　was　still　frozen。　His　words　were　inprehensible；　because　they　were　
impossible。　
He　shook　my　shoulder　again；　not　hard；　but　enough　that　my　teeth　rattled　a　
little。　
〃Bella；〃　he　sighed。　〃Really；　what　were　you　thinking！〃　
And　so　I　started　to　cry。　The　tears　welled　up　and　then　gushed　miserably　down　my　
cheeks。　
〃I　knew　it；〃　I　sobbed。　〃I　knew　I　was　dreaming。〃　
〃You're　impossible；〃　he　said；　and　he　laughed　once—a　hard　laugh；　frustrated。　
〃How　can　I　put　this　so　that　
you'll　believe　me？　You're　not　asleep；　and　you're　not　dead。　I'm　here；　and　I　
love　you。　I　have　always　loved　
you；　and　I　will　always　love　you。　I　was　thinking　of　you；　seeing　your　face　in　my　
mind；　every　second　that　I　
was　away。　When　I　told　you　that　I　didn't　want　you；　it　was　the　very　blackest　
kind　of　blasphemy。〃　
I　shook　my　head　while　the　tears　continued　to　ooze　from　the　corners　of　my　eyes。　
〃You　don't　believe　me；　do　you？〃　he　whispered；　his　face　paler　than　his　usual　
pale—I　could　see　that　even　
in　the　dim　light。　〃Why　can　you　believe　the　lie；　but　not　the　truth？〃　
〃It　never　made　sense　for　you　to　love　me；〃　I　explained；　my　voice　breaking　
twice。　〃I　always　knew　that。〃　
His　eyes　narrowed；　his　jaw　tightened。　
〃I'll　prove　you're　awake；〃　he　promised。　
He　caught　my　face　securely　between　his　iron　hands；　ignoring　my　struggles　when　
I　tried　to　turn　my　head　
away。　
〃Please　don't；〃　I　whispered。　
He　stopped；　his　lips　just　half　an　inch　from　mine。　
〃Why　not？〃　he　demanded。　His　breath　blew　into　my　face；　making　my　head　whirl。　
〃When　I　wake　up〃—He　opened　his　mouth　to　protest；　so　I　revised—〃okay；　forget　
that　one—when　you　
leave　again；　it's　going　to　be　hard　enough　without　this；　too。〃　
He　pulled　back　an　inch；　to　stare　at　my　face。　
〃Yesterday；　when　I　would　touch　you；　you　were　so　hesitant；　so　careful；　and　
yet　still　the　same。　I　need　to　
know　why。　Is　it　because　I'm　too　late？　Because　I've　hurt　you　too　much？　Because　
you　have　moved　on；　as　
I　meant　for　you　to？　That　would　be　quite　fair。　I　won't　contest　your　decision。　
So　don't　try　to　spare　my　
feelings；　please—just　tell　me　now　whether　or　not　you　can　still　love　me；　after　
everything　I've　done　to　you。　
Can　you？〃　he　whispered。　
〃What　kind　of　an　idiotic　question　is　that？〃　
〃Just　answer　it。　Please。〃　
I　stared　at　him　darkly　for　a　long　moment。　〃The　way　I　feel　about　you　will　never　
change。　Of　course　I　love　
you—and　there's　nothing　you　can　do　about　it！〃　
〃That's　all　I　needed　to　hear。〃　
His　mouth　was　on　mine　then；　and　I　couldn't　fight　him。　Not　because　he　was　so　
many　thousand　times　
stronger　than　me；　but　because　my　will　crumbled　into　dust　the　second　our　lips　
met。　This　kiss　was　not　quite　
as　careful　as　others　I　remembered；　which　suited　me　just　fine。　If　I　was　going　
to　rip　myself　up　further；　I　
might　as　well　get　as　much　in　trade　as　possible。　
So　I　kissed　him　back；　my　heart　pounding　out　a　jagged；　disjointed　rhythm　while　
my　breathing　turned　to　
panting　and　my　fingers　moved　greedily　to　his　face。　I　could　feel　his　marble　
body　against　every　line　of　mine；　
and　I　was　so　glad　he　hadn't　listened　to　me—there　was　no　pain　in　the　world　
that　would　have　justified　
missing　this。　His　hands　memorized　my　face；　the　same　way　mine　were　tracing　his；　
and；　in　the　brief　seconds　
when　his　lips　were　free；　he　whispered　my　name。　
When　I　was　starting　to　get　dizzy；　he　pulled　away；　only　to　lay　his　ear　against　
my　heart。　
I　lay　there；　dazed；　waiting　for　my　gasping　to　slow　and　quiet。　
〃By　the　way；〃　he　said　in　a　casual　tone。　〃I'm　not　leaving　you。〃　
I　didn't　say　anything；　and　he　seemed　to　hear　skepticism　in　my　silence。　
He　lifted　his　face　to　lock　my　gaze　in　his。　〃I'm　not　going　anywhere。　Not　
without　you；〃　he　added　more　
seriously。　
〃I　only　left　you　in　the　first　place　because　I　wanted　you　to　have　a　chance　at　a　
normal；　happy；　human　life。　I　
could　see　what　I　was　doing　to　you—keeping　you　constantly　on　the　edge　of　
danger；　taking　you　away　
from　the　world　you　belonged　in；　risking　your　life　every　moment　I　was　with　you。　
So　I　had　to　try。　I　had　to　
do　something；　and　it　seemed　like　leaving　was　the　only　way。　If　I　hadn't　thought　
you　would　be　better　off；　I　
could　have　never　made　myself　leave。　I'm　much　too　selfish。　Only　you　could　be　
more　important　than　what　I　
wanted　what　I　needed。　What　I　want　and　need　is　to　be　with　you；　and　I　know　
I'll　never　be　strong　
enough　to　leave　again。　I　have　too　many　excuses　to　stay—thank　heaven　for　that！　
It　seems　you　can't　be　
safe；　no　matter　how　many　miles　I　put　between　us。〃　
〃Don't　promise　me　anything；〃　I　whispered。　If　I　let　myself　hope；　and　it　came　to　
nothing　that　would　kill　
me。　Where　all　those　merciless　vampires　had　not　been　able　to　finish　me　off；　
hope　would　do　the　job。　
Anger　glinted　metallic　in　his　black　eyes。　〃You　think　I'm　lying　to　you　now？〃　
〃No—not　lying。〃　I　shook　my　head；　trying　to　think　it　through　coherently。　To　
examine　the　hypothesis　that　
he　did　love　me；　while　staying　objective；　clinical；　so　I　wouldn't　fall　into　the　
trap　of　hoping。　〃You　could　
mean　it　now。　But　what　about　tomorrow；　when　you　think　about　all　the　reasons　
you　left　in　the　first　
place？　Or　next　month；　when　Jasper　takes　a　snap　at　me？〃　
He　flinched。　
I　thought　back　over　those　last　days　of　my　life　before　he　left　me；　tried　to　see　
them　through　the　filter　of　
what　he　was　telling　me　now。　From　that　perspective；　imagining　that　he'd　left　me　
while　loving　me；　left　me　
for　me；　his　brooding　and　cold　silences　took　on　a　different　meaning。　〃It　isn't　
as　if　you　hadn't　thought　the　
first　decision　through；　is　it？〃　I　guessed。　〃You'll　end　up　doing　what　you　think　
is　right。〃　
〃I'm　not　as　strong　as　you　give　me　credit　for；〃　he　said。　〃Right　and　wrong　have　
ceased　to　mean　much　to　
me；　I　was　ing　back　anyway。　Before　Rosalie　told　me　the　news；　I　was　already　
past　trying　to　live　
through　one　week　at　a　time；　or　even　one　day。　I　was　fighting　to　make　it　through　
a　single　hour。　It　was　only　
a　matter　of　time—and　not　much　of　it—before　I　showed　up　at　your　window　and　
begged　you　to　take　me　
back。　I'd　be　happy　to　beg　now；　if　you'd　like　that。〃　
I　grimaced。　〃Be　serious；　please。〃　
〃Oh；　I　am；〃　he　insisted；　glaring　now。　〃Will　you　please　try　to　hear　what　I'm　
telling　you？　Will　you　let　me　
attempt　to　explain　what　you　mean　to　me？〃　
He　waited；　studying　my　face　as　he　spoke　to　make　sure　I　was　really　listening。　
〃Before　you；　Bella；　my　life　was　like　a　moonless　night。　Very　dark；　but　there　
were　stars—points　of　light　
and　reason　And　then　you　shot　across　my　sky　like　a　me